Sometimes I hate band.

Mostly it's because it eats my life during holidays.

So I might not actually have very long to spend with my parents this Christmas holiday. Because Louisiana Tech will be playing at the Independence Bowl... in Shreveport. And my band director wants us there on the 26th when the game is on the 28th.

... FUCKING HELL, JROB. SHREVEPORT IS LIKE AN HOUR AWAY. WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE TO TAKE AWAY FROM OUR FAMILY TIME TO GO TO THIS WHEN IT'S JUST FUCKING SHREVEPORT?!

Maybe if were an out-of-state bowl game, I wouldn't be so bitchy about it, but as is...

Just goddamnit.

*goes to find things to cheer herself up*
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... orly?

In today's news, nothing interesting happened today. Well, I lie. Band was interesting. If only because I was hyper as hell and no one else... was. Not in the clarinet section anyway.

I get tired of having to act in a way everyone else expects. Yeah, people. I am a tight-ass. I am a stick-in-the-mud. I am a pessimistic bitch who can and will stamp on your hopes and dreams and shuns your attempts to socialize with me. But not always. I like acting like a kid. I like enjoying the ridiculousness of having a band rehearsal when night's falling. I like yelling "FUCK YEAH!" at everything because I'm loving everything and the world and want everyone else to feel the same.

Don't fucking give me these looks that say "She's such a kid." I always want to flip off and give a hearty "Fuck you!" to people who do give me those looks.

I like to play in the rain. I like to sing and dance randomly. I like to talk loud and shout at the top of my lungs that I love the world. I like and want to do these things when I'm on an up. I'm on an up now and I feel fucking great. Especially since I'm finally getting over some of my issues, even though I know something'll eventually come along and knock me down from my up.

And even when I rant about this? I still fucking love you people who give me those looks. Because of you, I realize I'm happier than you are. Because boy aren't you the pathetic people who shiver in the cold while I'm happily going, "Fuck yeah!" in an oblivious fashion to make the time pass faster.

... most hilarious thing is that I'll probably feel like an ass for posting this later. Right now, ahahaha, don't care! I still love everything~ ♥

And note before anyone can say anything: Yes, this is directed SOLELY at the band people atm.
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Well. Things continue to get interesting and leave me impatient for this quarter to end.

French class today was amazing in the fact that ma prof got locked out of her preferred classroom, so we had to go elsewhere and thus commences one of the most entertaining classes of this year! The topic of discussion today was le e muet, the silent E which is either pronounced with an "uh"-ish sound, par exemple le sond e dans "venir", or is at the end of a word and is silent-ish, comme le mot "je" ou "que".

Of course we had loads of fun when we got to the exercise where we had to not pronounce the E and kind of stumbled our way through saying phrases like "Tu te moques de ce que je pense," wherein some E's are silent and the others are pronounced. In this phrase the E's in the words "te", "moques", "ce", "je", and "pense" (the final E for "pense", that is) all have silent E's. So the sentence reads more like "Tu t'moqu'de c'que j'pens." Or something. IT'S HARD TO DESCRIBE WITHOUT THE PHONETIC ALPHABET THING.

But yeah. So much fun with that. Especially when I had to read a column of words aloud and ma prof goes all, "... D: How come you can do it so easily?" at me. Because she keeps saying le e muet and ahahaha. Fun stuff.

This up mood of course has nothing to do with the fact that I had over 12 hours of sleep and it was warmer today than yesterday. No, not at all.

... my sleep schedule is fucked because I go without sleep, get four hours, get four hours, then another 12 hours, then no sleep, then four hours, then four hours, etc, etc, ad nauseum...

Sob.

But anyway, fun times in French class and now I'm just chilling and... god, tomorrow is going to suck if I can't get to bed at a decent hour (i.e. not 4AM) tonight. I'll have to get some sleep aid to help me with that. Because I have busy busy day tomorrow thanks to that damn Homecoming parade the band has to be in. Did I mention how much I hate Homecoming? And especially ones that are on Halloween weekend? Yeah.

I always love me shallow homecomings where all the girls look the same--this is why I was awed by this story I saw on Glenn Beck the other night (it's been ages since I've seen his show, really), where a girl with Down Syndrome got the crown. Although it does make me sad to think some people probably voted with a pity vote, but I think that girl deserved it more than some of the barbies who tend to get the crown. Bleh.

No offense to anyone on my flist who has ever been Homecoming Queen. I'm a bitter (mostly because of other things not involving the Homecoming thing at all, really), unpopular girl who never gets awards though mostly because I don't try for any of them.

But aside from my being disgruntled about Homecoming this weekend, I'm just all set and ready for the quarter to end so I can go and visit my sisters and brother-in-law and baby nephew WHO IS FREAKISHLY TALL. He's up to my hip already and he's only TWO. Big boy is big! D'awwwww.

Anyway, leaving the post here before I babble about something else!
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One thing that annoys me most when I'm in a classroom setting is when the professor tells me I'm not paying attention just because I'm doing things like not taking in-depth notes or am chewing on my pen or playing with my hair.

Okay. Really. I play with my hair, fiddle around with my pen, bounce my knee, bite my nails, chew on my lip because it helps me focus better. I don't care if you think it's unsanitary for me to chew on my pens and my nails or if you find it distracting. It helps me and I'm not bothering anyone. It's probably a pet peeve of yours as well but like I said, it helps me focus. Would you rather I sit there like a zombie and do what I used to do in my high school science classes and just space out until the end of class? No, I really don't think you do want that for me. But that's what ends up happening when I don't have something else to do while I listen to lectures.

Another thing. Notes? I take notes a certain way because I have a good memory. So all I really need are names and dates and key information, really. I write those down in class and sit back and listen to the lecture. I am then able to, after class, write out in detail what was said during the lecture. Why do I do it this way? Because I don't like writing in short-hand and writing it long-handedly takes too long and I usually end up missing out on what is said and get behind in my notes.

So dear history professor of mine, please excuse me if you don't like how I do my note-taking but it's pretty much the system I developed after having numerous lecture courses and it works for me.

Please don't tell me I'll be screwed for the essay exam just because I do things a different way than you're used to.



... arrrgh. I hate it when professors get on my case about how I do things. I take notes! Fairly accurate ones, even! Just--fsdjhahfa AGH LAY OFF PLEASE?

ETA: Oh, fuck you, Tech email. Just fuck you.

Son of ETA: Haaa... always feels nice to clean out email accounts~ *just finished a deleting spree~*
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So. The reason why I wasn't online Friday night?

The internet servers for pretty much all of campus was DOWN. I mean down in the sense that I walked in around 8 or 8:30PM ready to work on my CFUD app and stuff only to find that I couldn't log in. I waited about an hour, then left, thinking I could get some sleep in, come back, and it would be up. No such luck. I returned at 2AM only to find it was still down. Tried logging in for another 30 minutes until I got beyond frustrated and asked the person at the desk if I should hold my breath on the servers being up soon. She said, "Not likely. They'll probably get around to it tomorrow afternoon."

... lol. I had a football game day. And those are an all-day thing for the band.

So I thought I'd try my bo-bo'd up laptop to get on, but EL OH EL, the internet wasn't working in my dorm either. BRILLIANT.

I was actually tempted to annoy some people and text message the whole of my app to them or something but decided against it, even though I feel horrible because this is the THIRD MONTH IN A ROW that I've failed at sending in an app. Orz. Life why are you topping me?

Anyway, besides me bitching about the internets failing me, this is me reassuring people that I'm doing better, my throat is healing (lol, 3 prescription medicines helping with that, uwah--and actually I forgot to bring with me the one with a strict regime... damn. will walk back and get it when I get my "lunch") and not so hurty anymore! Part of the reason is also because I didn't play on my clarinet much or yell and scream at the football game (we won: 41 to 23 or something like that. wh00twh00t).

So yeah. Doing better in that department. As for Saturday's schedule? It was insane.

7:30AM - Wake up
8AM - Rehearsal
9:45AM - Breakfast
10:40AM - Parade over to Railroad Park for Pep Rally
12PM - Lunch
1PM - Performance at Time Out For Tech at Howard Auditorium
2:30PM - Get a ride to the stadium
3:30PM - Walk of Pride performance
~4PM - Parade to the President's house
~5PM - Parade into stadium
~6PM - GAME TIME
~11PM - Leave stadium

... *falls over and whines*

I ended up going to bed at 2AM and waking up at 2PM. Lolz. Mmm sleep. I love you~

And yeah, fun stuff.

So how's everyone else been?
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Just got back from a Pep Rally and goddamn it, I miss having in-door pep rallys. Freakin' mosquitoes were eating us ALIVE, I swear. And now my legs itch like crazy DX

And before I get started on this post, let me just say that... guys? I know not to do a lot of those things I ranted about before. Like a said. "Me" is a smart person, apparently. And knows not to. But it's always there, that sort of thing. But I'm too much of a control freak to do anything of the sort. ... at least not to the point of addiction.

But thanks for the advice and such? It's just very frustrating sometimes when people tell me "You don't get it" when they talk about those kinds of things. And yes, I don't get it. Mostly because I can't stand not being in control of myself. So probably a lot of those people "don't get it" about control freaks and things like that. Meh.

Anyway, on to more happier subjects or something.

Today, I slept through my classes. Mostly because I was feeling absolutely horrible. Not because of my sleeping schedule, surprisingly. But more because of the fact that the pre-mature weather change from highs of 100 to highs of 80 got to my immune system. Not only that but it's been dry as fuck over here--was 100% humidity, now it's closer to 60%. It's murder on my poor throat which I need to speak French and play my clarinet.

So yeah. I was sick. And couldn't get the energy to get up, coughing like crazy, throat burning and sob. I took one tablet of aspirin in hopes that it would help, but of course it didn't. Silly me. Thankfully, my throat seems a lot better for it since I'm a chatterbox in my classes or something, going to class would mean I would end up talking and using my throat and that would aggravate it worse.

But I did end up going to band, because we had a pep rally right after rehearsal and those are worth like my entire grade if I don't show up without a proper excuse.

Meh.

I'm actually going to head to bed early tonight--like only gonna be online till 11PM over here at the latest. Because ahaha, I need a good amount of sleep if I want my throat to get better and my immune system to kick back into gear. Trust me, I'm not the only one having troubles with the sudden change in weather. It's horrible really--even if the temperatures feel so nice.

Besides that... huh. I dunno.

Okay, I'm bored.

MEME!

Since there's so many new people on my flist and such, let's get to know each other! Ask me a question and I will answer and then ask you a question which you will then answer before asking me another question! And on and on with the circle of life and all that jazz!

You know you love it, okay go.
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I really need to start being more socialable on LJ again.

Anyway. The two days I've been at work (Friday and Saturday) have had drama, drama, drama. And there was more drama today... last night... wtfever.

Basically, Friday wasn't so so bad but a coworker of mine is going through a rough time because her father died. Another coworker of mine was sick. But overall, not so bad. Except, you know, a concert and a ball game let out around the same time near 10PM and thus we had an insane rush AND THEN had the bar rush at 2AM to deal with. Joy of joys.

Saturday, was somewhat hellish. Less so in the busy-ness and more so in the fact that I ended up getting an 8-guest table who decided to order FOUR T-Bone/Egg Combos, two Omelets, and one French Toast platter thing. AND THEN COMPLAIN NONSTOP ABOUT HOW SLOW IT WAS TAKING FOR THE NEXT HALF HOUR DURING BAR RUSH.

I dunno about you, but when the fucking restaurant is FILLED will drunk people, you DON'T complain to the poor server who is trying to get your order in, get your food ready, and get you to eat and leave as quickly as possible a DAMN HARD TIME OVER THIS. Especially when she's nice to you and has only been working on the floor for a week. You don't do shit like have a running bet to see who can make the new girl cry and you don't try to wiggle your way into getting discounts and free food by pretending that we were too slow in cooking 4 steak combos when we just got our 2nd cook about 20 minutes after your server puts your order in.

I don't care if you're drunk, high, or whatthefuckever. You don't do that shit.

And you also don't claim that the server is completely innocent when she says stupid shit while you blame the manager WHO WASN'T EVEN AROUND EXCEPT TO HELP CARRY YOUR FOOD IN for every little thing you can think of, calling her a rude bitch because she won't take your shit.

If I see those people again from Table 2, I am going to fucking demand someone else deal with them, all of that shit, and the only nice ones in that group were the men and the two younger guys AT LEAST gave me a tip for having to put up with the shit. Then again, that could be because the rest of them were trying to make me cry.

HA. HA. FUCKING HA.

Thank god I hate crying and don't tend to much these days except when I get wibbly over endings of stories. Those kinds of tears are fine. Crying when in that situation? I grew fucking sick of that in Jr. High and High School. You, dear people of Table 2, are not the first and certainly not the last to think me an easy target but I will not give into your shit and I will not boohoo over it. I will get pissed but I will not show it in front of you because it's my JOB to be nice to you.

So take that and suck it, you bunch of bitches.

...

Yes, I have been holding that in for a full 24 hours.

Tonight wasn't so bad for me so much as it was for my coworker. The sick one, I mean. I was told that Sunday would be too slow and I wasn't needed, so Joe, Sanna, and I thought it would be fun to walk over to IHOP to have dinner. Best steak dinner I've had in ages. But that's probably because the last one I had was when Reda, Bryce, and I went to Applebee's. Apparently our coworker whose father died was especially messed up that night and was attacking everyone, including customers at one point, from what I hear.

And my sick coworker was actually near tears when she brought our checks because the other coworker said she was leaving and a manager-person agreed with it and sick-coworker thought that Sunday night would be busy and...

I really didn't want to give up my free night and I was a bit selfish about it, but Sanna nudged me in my conscience and I offered to sick-coworker to call me if things got really bad. Especially since I'm staying not even 15 minute walk away from IHOP. To make doubly sure she understood this offer, I gave her a paper with my cell number and... I didn't get a call. So I'm hoping everything smoothed over.

I guess I'll find out today, I have a employee meeting at 2PM.

... and it's 10:09.

Yeah, I'm going to crash.

And sorry to those who wanted to hear more introspective things or something cheerful from me, but I'm not really in the best of ups and ups (doing that thing where I want to like... pull something over my head and curl up and go "Talentless, useless, not needed, can't do anything right" etc). However, I should have something different to post other than work later on.

Okay, nap time before going to workplace for meeting.
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So.

Work is getting chaotic as hell.

Lucky us. The girl who was getting trained for manager for whenever Andrea leaves was fired because of theft. Lolz. On top of that, this new guy I've been working with during the lunch rushes MWF? Yeah, he's quitting because his mother has Lupus (House lies--it's sometimes Lupus) and yeah. Beautiful. Monday will be oh so fun since it's just me and Andrea on the schedule for the lunch rush right now.

We're not short-staffed at this point. No, at this point, we're insanely without enough people.

And actually, this is my work schedule at the moment:

MWF - 11:15AM to 5PM
Sat+Sun - 5PM to 11PM

For this week and next week.

Hell, Andrea nearly had a fit because she couldn't find someone to come in at night last night or something and she asked me if I could leave at 2PM and come back at 6PM and work till closing at 11PM. I said uh-uh, no way. And yeah... of course, then I mentioned that I could stay until 5PM and she nearly fell over in relief, I think. Lolz. I just kind of stared at her and went, "... dude, I've done it before. I'm fine with staying longer but noooooo double-shifts, kthx?"

Jeva has 27 to 28 hours a week for the next week or so. Hopefully something gets fixed soon otherwise, I am going to die. Of stress. Though Andrea will probably die first. Which is not comforting at all. Poor chick has to put up with the stupid $5 footlong deal--which apparently ends on the 11th of May and NOT the end of April. Gg, Subway. Keep killing your employees and making your managers quit because you're more about the money in your pockets than the fact that WE ARE UNDERSTAFFED AND UNDERPAYED.

...

Of course I think that goes with all blue-collared jobs. *sighs*

Just am really tired and don't really want to deal with anything today. Soglad that I'm not working Tuesdays and Thursdays...

Of course, tonight is for studying French and looking into what I should write my paper on--I've got a week before it's supposedly due.

Sotired...
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Okay, so I've been failing in life recently.

I've been kind of out of it because of this damn chronic fatigue or whatever it is. It's driving me nuts. I've ended up missing classes on Monday and Tuesday and I can't afford to miss anymore of them, so... yeah, if I get sick, tough luck for me. Dragging my ass out of bed from now on.

Not only that but my cell phone is still dead because the charger is still in my sister's house. Oi, Mom, you think you can get it from there and mail it to me? If Shorty forgot about it when I asked her (and I asked her actually within an hour of you dropping me off that Monday after Easter), it should still be plugged in under the computer desk. Either that or Shorty should know where it is.

So yeah. These past few weeks have been hell in the sheer fact that I just... don't feel very motivated at all in anything. And the one time I did feel motivated, it was for apping Azuma and now that that's over, I do all I can to RP as well as I can... but it still doesn't feel like enough.

On top of the lack of motivation, I haven't gotten mail or email from the scholarship peeps that tells me if I got any of the scholarships or not. They're supposed to notify you even if you didn't get anything, right? And if they ended up calling people and telling them, well, I'm pretty screwed because my phone's dead.

And in addition to that, I have been avoiding my personal LJ, avoiding my friends, and just being apathetic as hell. I don't know why. It really kind of sucks though. I don't want to do anything, I don't have any incentive to do anything, life comes on day at a time and I continue forward because that's the only direction I can really go in...

I'm just existing for the most part recently.

And just existing sucks.

And I wish I knew why I felt so apathetic and literally detached. Like separated from my own body and going through the motions of the day, just doing what I'm supposed to do or not doing anything at all even when I should.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but this kind of thing scares me.


PS - NOT an April Fool's joke.
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Yes, because that's exactly what this will be.

I am SORE.

Yes. Am so not used to working 6 hours on my feet the whole time anymore. But that's okay, that's a GOOD thing. It means it doesn't happen very often, not since I've started working at Tech Drive. Because my manager is made of win and awsum and ho shit she's moving this May, isn't she?

...

*SOBS*

Well, there's the whole thing with my friends moving away and going on to bigger and better things and I'm left... here. In the mudhole, waiting for my turn. Scraping and saving and skimping and hoping and dreaming and blaaaaaaaaaaargh.

I really hope I get at least one scholarship. Just one. I would die happy if I just got one of them. Please, please, please. I need to get out of here.

And I don't really know why I'm saying all of this except for the fact that I was reminded about all of this--Sara and Andrea moving, my having to stay behind and deal with a new manager, deal with a new system, deal with another year of hoping to get by and not have something horrible come up and bite me in the ass, deal with being stuck for another year...

Because as soon as my TOPS ends, I am getting out of here. I don't care how realistic that sounds. I want out. I need out. Someone get me out. I promise I make a area rug. Ask Sara and Andrea. *thumbs up*

But seriously. Am... really kind of getting more than a little scared about all of this. I need to move on in my life, but I can't because I need my education, I need the money I can get from the job I can get because I get my education. I'm bogged down in loans and I've no vehicle to just get out and GO somewhere...

I nearly cried tonight because I saw the number of sandwiches I sold tonight. Not because they were a terribly huge amount--hell, I've had worse at California. But... I dunno... was just the whole thought that if I can't get out, I'll have to keep doing this sort of thing over and over and Tech Drive can turn into another California when Andrea leaves and I don't want it to. I'd sooner quit. But I need the money and I can't quit unless I really can't stand the new manager...

I dunno. I'm tired... in the non-physical sense. Been spinning around in circles too much tonight getting everything done.

Of course, I had my manic grin in place whenever Andrea came to my rescue at 10:20 and helped me get closing stuff done. Manic grin isn't a nice grin. Manic laugh is even worse.

I chuckled once or twice.

I dunno.

I need to get out of here again. I think I wanna go home, even. I dunno. Just somewhere. Anywhere is fine at this point.

I hate feeling so stuck.

But enough of the woe-is-me.

The upside about tonight: 6 MORE HOURS GOING TOWARD MY PAYCHECK. BOOYAH.

Yeah, and with yesterday's hours, that's 12.

... that looks pathetically small when I remember that I used to work 30 hours a week over at California...

Another upside: I was able to get back to my dorm fast enough that I was able to post for 31_days for the 9th of March. Go me. I totally rock.

And btw, if you're a bit behind: I currently have a new writing journal. It's still in the works but most of the stuff is up. The only fandom missing is really my DC/MK fandom stuffs. And, you know, the stuff I've abandoned but are on FF.N or somewhere else on the web and linked in my Story Archive.

You can find this new journal at motsdejeva. Also, if you look at my Story Archive, you will notice that there are additions to it as well as not-working-links. This is because I have been editing and stuff. Also moving things from one place to another.

Yeah. Have been posting my progress for 31_days for this month and even have a post for last month. So ah... yeah.

And how have I been doing this month?

Let's see...

March 1st - 17 Going On 5
March 2nd - The Longest Night: Unspoken [Random Scene]
March 3rd - FAIL
March 4th - The Recounting of an Interesting Incident or Two
March 5th - Who I Am
March 6th - FAIL
March 7th - Of the Beholder - NSFW
March 8th - Caravan
March 9th - The Longest Night: Last Ditch Effort [Random Scene]

Not too shabby.

And well. I think that's all I have to say about that. Though, if you are interested in reading original fiction of mine, please do give a shout-out over in this post and I'll put you on the speshial flock for it.

... and now I've gone from seeming insane from over-thinking to pimping like a pimp.

Ftw, yo.

You know you love it.


PS - My back is in knots.

Daddy, if I go home this Easter, you give massage, yes? ;o;
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Okay, just got out of Sociology. Yes, early. I even got something to eat before I got back to my dorm.

But anyway.

That Global Warming documentary/presentation thing by Al Gore?

Bunch of hoohah.

And I'm not saying this be contrary. A lot of things were wrong with the way that film was presented as well as some of the facts being stretched to an absurd point. But a few things were done right, I'm not afraid to admit that.

For instance, the beginning of the whole thing. Gore presents images of the Earth from outerspace. He then shows a map of the world. And then he goes into an anecdote about how a young classmate of his back in the day asked if Africa and South America were once one continent. At the time, the teacher had said it was utter nonsense.

Of course, now-a-days, people think that kind of conclusion is pretty logical.

Simple enough, this whole segment is a way in order to ask the audience to please suspend disbelief for a time and to remember that the most famous of philosophers and scientists of the past were once ridiculed and even persecuted because they dared to think differently than the majority.

I approve of that sort of thing. And was able to watch some of the film without trouble. He presented data, he showed and said aloud what this data leads people to conclude. I can accept that he has data and that he truly believes that Global Warming is an issue that needs to be address.

However.

Is this film about telling other people why Al Gore believes Global Warming is a horrible thing that will devastate the world?

Or is this a film trying to persuade skeptics about why they should believe that Global Warming is a danger to everything around us?

If it's the latter, this film has failed miserably.

( Rant about said film and Global Warming. )

And if you all disagree with me, that's fine. I have presented why I feel the way I do and I am willing to hear any other opinions supporting Global Warming just so long as there is actual documentation backing up any data presented. And please be sure not to mention Al Gore whenever bringing the subject up. I may just have to cut a bitch if they do.
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I am so close to finishing this paper, I can taste it.

And yet I'm still BSing like no tomorrow.

That and I have to put at least 3 sources down--just to make it look like I ttly did an in-depth study of this stuff. Norly.

JFfgajkhg...

Got an hour to write maybe two more paragraphs.

I HAVE NOT BEEN AWAKE SINCE 6AM DOING THIS AND I ALSO DO NOT HAVE A FRENCH CLASS AND THEN WORK TO GO TO LATER TODAY. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. I SO HAVE A SNOW DAY IN LOUISIANA. YEAH. I WISH.

... *sobs*

I hate end of quarter~


EDIT: ... you know, if I weren't turning this thing into a website that is supposed to tell the prof how much of it is plagiarized, I would so show you all what a wonderful piece of BS this paper is. It reminds me of my English papers except worse. Wooooooooow.

*finishing up paper*
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I am really beginning to hate the fact that I am really trying to get all this done.

Why I gotta be so determined?

Sometimes I hate my stubbornness...

Average hours of sleep per night this week: 4.

*runs off to get shit done*


EDIT: 4:14PM - Always love it when I get things I've written in French back from my prof and it's covered in her writing with corrections. Joy. Apparently none of my sentences were right. Joy.

*edits letter of motivation*


EDIT 2: ... I'm somewhat amused now. Apparently there's a lot of marking on my paper because I was overly-wordy again. Also, when I gave her the letter this morning she kind of blinked at it and went, "... well, at least I don't have to tell you to make it longer."

I lolz.

Also, wtf, life, why are you moving along so quickly now?
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My neighbor is an ASSHOLE>

I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO HEAR YOUR STUPID MUSIC WITH ITS REPETITIVE BEATS THROUGH MY WALL WHEN I'M TRYING GET JUST 10 MORE MINUTES OF SLEEP. YOU'RE A FUCKING ASS. I HATE YOU. RESPECT THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE A FUCKING NEIGHBOR AND JUST STOP PLAYING THE DAMN MUSIC SO LOUD.

JUST GODDAMN IT, PEOPLE.

WHY THE HELL CAN'T PEOPLE BE NICE AND COURTEOUS ANYMORE?
.

I dunno if I can be completely coherent right now. I'm having another one of those weak as all hell moments and I think I'll have to get in at least a small nap before I have to go into work at 5. Also, I should call Sara or Andrea and ask them for a ride. Cannot risk losing a ton of energy before making it to work like I did on Thursday night.

But yeah.

I wish I could actually rant about all of this--but one person I swore not to tell others and the other person... well, they already feel bad enough as it is and I don't want to make them feel any worse.

But still, it seems I'm suddenly surrounded by people who think they are hopeless, broken, can't be fixed, unable to continue on, etc, etc, etc... and thus, oh yeah. The obvious solution is suicide. Yes, of course, it ALL makes sense.

Bullshit.

I can't say that word enough.

It's not like I don't get those feelings of "I hate my life, I want it to just decide when it's over already, wonder if anyone will miss me if I'm gone" because I obviously do, but I never once think about doing the deed myself. I wait for life to run its course and cut off my own life in its own time.

Life can end at any moment, and to be quite honest, that scares the shit out of me. It's why I don't do dangerous things. It's why I don't smoke or drink or any of those things. If I die prematurely it will be a freak accident--i.e. car wreck, terrorist bomb going off, or some fucking shinigami writing my name in a Death Note (ahahaha, yeah, I am not in my right mind)--rather than solely my own doing.

I just... don't think that way. Sure I'll get those odd thoughts once in a while. "What would happen if I jumped out of a vehicle going 90 mph?" Difference between my thoughts and a suicidal person's thoughts--even that suicidal person who only think of these kinds of things because it's not that they want to die, they just don't want to live--is that it's purely about living. I think these things and wonder if I'd survive. Because I'm a survivor. I get through things one step at a time. I will nearly keel over trying to get something done even when I feel like shit. I'm just that kind of person.

Because ultimately, I'm terrified of the thought of dying.

And no, religion isn't a comfort to me. Heaven? What comfort is that? Eternal happiness to me sounds boring. I keep saying it's the bad that makes the good so great. It's the one reason why this life--this one life that I might never have another chance at--is the best kind of Heaven and worst kind of Hell. Nothing will change my mind on this.

And I am so terrified of dying, sometimes I can't sleep at night, afraid I'll fall asleep and never wake up. Why am I such a happy person whenever I'm around people? Because I'm living for another day and I'm able to be there and breathe and talk and just live for one more day.

Nothing put this fear into me. I fear it because it's natural to fear it. Nothing more, nothing less.

So I can never understand why someone would willingly seek Death out. It's not like we're not all going to die some time or another, right? Noooooooooo... apparently, life can be such shit that people would stop looking forward, upward, anywhere for a reason to keep on living. And I don't know what I hate most. That they've given up or that they won't even acknowledge that they've given up and blame life and everything else except for themselves and their own fucking decisions in the matter.

Because that's right. It's your goddamn choice to give up, all right? Life does not decide that you give up--YOU decide that you give up. Be a goddamn survivor and get up that one last fucking time and try again and again and again until you find yourself bed ridden because you're too weak to move anymore--and then get up just one more time because you can't take lying down as life passed you by.

I know I'm that kind of person, and sometimes I wish I weren't. I hate feeling useless. I hate being this tired and this sick and barely being able to walk down two flights of stairs without feeling my knees becoming weak on the way back. I am fucking tired of being tired. I feel useless and I am not fucking useless. I refuse to be useless because it's the only way I get forward in the world.

And just...

I dunno.

I've needed to rant about this for weeks and it still doesn't seem to do much to help.

I'm still tired.

I'm still tearing out my hair trying to help my friends get out of this horrible spiral that only they themselves can get out of by themselves, really. I can't do anything. All I have, again, are words--fucking words that don't seem to do anything for anybody. They're ignored until the last possible moment and then... it might even be too late.

I dunno.

I'm tired.

Can't I stop being tired now. I just want to get on with my life the way I have been.

Let me live life again, damn it.
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PAPER TURNED IN.

SOCIOLOGY TEST TAKEN.

I GO DIE NOW OKA--

OH FUCK I HAVE TO WORK ON CORRECTING THAT TEST AND THEN DOING THOSE GRAMMAR PAGES FOR TOMORROW DON'T I?

AND I HAVE THREE HOURS OF WORK TONIGHT.

I AM ACTUALLY A LOT CALMER THAN I SEEM NORLY.

I'M JUST STUCK ON CAPS.

BECAUSE THEY'RE SHINY AND ALL.

AND MY ICON JUST SHOWS MY DETERMINATION TO GET THROUGH ALL OF THIS.

ALSO JUST GOT YELLED AT BY CANDY IN TXT ABOUT RUNNING AROUND CAMPUS TO GET THINGS DONE IN 40 WEATHER WITHOUT A JACKET.

L-LOLZ.

...

*ded*

But srsly, I think I'll start working on those things for tomorrow now.

You know, I doubt I would be all over the place like this if the beginning of this week hadn't happened. Oh well. My fault. Moving on.

Will be doing my usual multi-tasking bit until 7:40, when I will head off for work.
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Okay. So.

Was done with work around 10PM--I think I love working at Tech Drive. It's SO not as stressful as California. \o/--and started my walk back to my dorm. Right as I was passing the Community Trust Bank, however, I hear my name being called and look around to see a white car in the parking lot and someone calling for me.

I ask who it is--because ahahaha. Still have old contacts and nighttime + cold air =/= good for focusing on far-off things.

Turns out it was Dominic. Yeah. That Dominic.

( Just what is this all supposed to mean, or is it that I am, once again, reading much too deeply into things? )

I dunno. There's just some sort of resigned apathy toward it all. And still I wanted to rant about it.

I'm not a space filler. I'm me.

Shouldn't that be enough?
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But I dunno if I can carry it out.

Guys. Let me just say one thing--well, maybe more, but it all stems from one thing.

Erasing things does not mean they no longer exist.

It's the one reason why I hate it when people delete posts, why I tend to go off the handle if people even suggest that they should do something like that. It's why I don't do it. And when I do it--if I ever do it--I feel horrible and sick with guilt, because I'm hiding things from others and I know that someone probably saw what I posted even if it's no longer there.

And that's my point to it all.

Pretending it doesn't exist doesn't make it no longer exist. Someone remembers. Someone will call you on your bluff sooner or later and it just makes things worse in the end. To me, it's stupid and utterly ridiculous. As if someone can erase an idea just with the use of a backspace button. The idea was there--is still there, no matter if you have it written down or not.

It's in your mind, it's in your heart. There's no changing that. The idea will always be there, even if you forget what idea it was and what it means to you.

Just... damn it, I never understand why people keep choosing to run away from things like that. I know I've had 4 people within the last 6 months tell me that they were deleting something. 2 of them I talked out of (more like yelled at them about), 1 of them had a bit of a legit reason and also saved the comments of that post in another way and therefore preserved those words in some way, shape, or form.

The last person... I just keep trying to tell them that it's futile to get rid of things like that because it doesn't change the fact that I saw it and knew it once existed. Instead of helping them understand this or anything else that I had to say last night, however, what all happened last night was pushed out of their memories and I'm left with the memories of it all myself.

And what can I do with these memories that only I remember? I can't forget. No matter what I do, I can't forget these sort of things. They're important to me, even if they're not important to other people. They're words and feelings that we both said and had. Erasing them from memory... it seems almost a crime to me, even if I know it's a coping mechanism, even though I know that they're just doing it to preserve what sanity they have left.

But what does loss of memory make me into? A ghost? A phantom? A figment of an overactive imagination? What? Does this mean that if I'm the only one that remembers what happened, that it was all in my head, even if I can save that conversation and have hard proof it occurred? If it's all in my head...

...

I dunno.

I just hate this sort of thing.

Erasing words, erasing memories... it erases more than just that. By erasing words from your LJ, you're erasing your own thoughts and feelings, pretending they don't exist, not wanting them to exist. Erasing memories... you're erasing events and people and all of a sudden those things aren't real anymore. They never happened. They don't exist to you.

But I do exist.

I exist. And I was involved in those events and damn it, I don't know if I've ever said this before but one of my biggest fears is just being forgotten--tossed aside as if I never even mattered in the first place. And do you know, I find this to be hilarious because I do the same thing with people? I forget their names, I forget their faces, I forget everything about them unless they're important or have a use to me.

An example of this is just today, after Sociology. A girl was telling me why people seem to get so aggitated whenever I ask questions in class. She called me by my real name. She acted as if she knew me. And I... I pretended that I remembered her, knew where I had met her before. Until just now, as I'm writing this, that I remember that I probably met her in my English class or something of the like. I remember that name that I heard her tell to that guy I met in Sociology. It rings a bell, but I don't remember where from.

So of course, this is me. Being the worst hypocrit on the face of the earth.

I'm terrified of being forgotten and cling to a person who claims to keep forgetting these events that occurred with me, and yet, I just as easily forget about other people, believing that I'll never meet them again only to run into them again and it's suddenly as if I'm meeting the faces of my past.

I dunno.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Maybe I should stop this here.

I'm not upset.

I'm not angry.

I'm just...

I dunno.

Thoughtful, I suppose.
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Well, tonight's been fairly eventful.

Some things were said.

Some things were done.

And I was very productive at work. Kind of bossy maybe, but Amanda never complained--newish girl. She'd finish a task and turn to me and go, "What next?" and I would have pretty much a task ready for her to do.

And we got out of there surprisingly quick. 12:40AM, really. Got 3.95 hours tonight. Would have gotten more but... well, let's just say that I'm glad I didn't because even if the way things worked out before that wasn't what I'd hoped for... it gives me some hope that I didn't completely screw things up because I let my words get away from me.

Because... well, we all know that's all I really have to me. Words. Not even very original words. You'd think someone would noticed that by now, but I guess no one ever realizes that words that ring truest are words that have been said a thousand times over. I guess they just sound just a bit better from me or something because I'm so damn extreme in my emotions.

Ah whatever.

( Click here to see Jeva babble about anything and everything. )

Meh.

Okay. Long post over.

I'm gonna try to go to bed now so I can get up around noon at the latest. So I can get some laundry and homework done. Still have those French assignments and the beginnings of my Charles d'Orléans paper thing... which I don't even know how we're supposed to approach it. Same as English papers but in French? Guh. I hate writing papers. Or compositions. Ick.

Also, I have to review over French vocab. Lessee... 10.3 is Theater, Film and Television.

... how many times have we done media things this quarter already?

And I really hope that I feel a bit nauseous because of the cookies I just ate a little bit ago and not because I'm starting to fall apart--physically or emotionally. I mean, I feel fine right now, but who knows? My body might be telling me otherwise.

And why the hell have I been more sick these past few months than any other time in my life? Makes no sense.

Then again, it probably does.

Remember what I said about the dual mindset?

Yeah.

Gets a bit annoying after a while.

Which means I need to end this here.

Night, all.
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I was so going "DX" the whole time in Foreign Lang today.

Because RIGHT when I got done with my last post on here, I got a phone call from Andrea informing me that Jason had given me over to her, so now I'm working at the Subway on Tech Drive permanently.

Mixed feelings, ftw.

Logical Side says, "Oh, well, Jason is cutting the hours back to 12AM midnight rather than 2AM and now he has no need for one of the closer peoples that he does have, or else he'd have to give them a LOOOOOOOOT of small bit of hours and that's just not fair to that worker. So hand them off to the other store, and since I was already working some of my time over there, then I was the obvious choice. Okay, cool. Having Andrea as a boss totally rocks, yo! :D"

Illogical Side says, "OMG THIS MEANS I'M A BAD WORKER. NOOOOOOO. HE DID THIS JUST TO GET RID OF ME. HE CHOSE ME TO GIVE AWAY BECAUSE I'M THE WORST CLOSER HE HAS AND HE DOESN'T WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE AND THIS IS HORRIBLE. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE HIM. WHY DID HE PICK ME HORRIBLE WORKER AAAAAAAAAAAAAH."

Needless to say, that I am totally getting over my Illogical Side's reaction slowly but surely, and am in fact a bit relieved to be moving over to Tech Drive. At least then I know I won't work horrible horrible hours--too much or too little--without proper warning first. Which yeah. Jason never did that for me. :/

I dunno. Just... uwaaaah.

Also, my attention wandered in both Foreign Lang and Sociology.

So.

I wrote three scenes for Les Vacances noires |D;;;

I-I totally gave it more plot and now I'm confused as to where it's going. Ahahahaha~ I should just finish writing the intro, but uh. I'm confused as to where to start it, kinda. :DD;;;

Ah well.

Anyway, I'm in the computer lab for the next 45 mins. Then I have to head to my dorm, eat food, and then off to work (yes, I still have work on California until I'm totally moved over to Tech Drive) until midnight. Yippee~

Feel free to poke~

( Also, Election 2008 meme. )
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