I am totally on a caffeine high.

Counseling session went well. I ended up mentioning my recent not-so-control-freaky behavior and this led to me talking about my addictive personality which led to me talking about my sadistic tendencies and orz.

Good session over all. Feel kind of dumb about it.

In other news...

...

I have no news.

I'm so wired right now~
.

In the past two days, I've gotten about three requests to help people on their French. Yeah, they were pretty simple matters (and actually one of them I was just about as confused as the other person but we managed to work something out) but it kind of makes me feel better. Like I'm actually learning and I'm getting real good at what I want to do. It only took, what? Four years? Gg, me.

Not only that but I completely aced that test today in French. Memorizing the phonetic alphabet isn't too hard, actually! And it all really depends on the letters used and the sounds they make usually. I mean, sure. I got the phonetic symbols for words like "dernier" wrong but over all, I'm not doing so bad!

And really, this phonetics and pronunciation course is helping me loads. It's really building my self confidence up better than any other course has. Because a lot of my insecurities with languages has always been if I'm saying it right and with my knowing the phonetics better, I'm able to sound out the words better--in my head and aloud. Because French is full of those goddamn silent letters and all. At least in Spanish and Japanese, what you see is what you get basically (except when it comes to kanji, sure), and just.

I'm feeling kind of proud of myself. I'm kind of scared to feel this way because things tend to go downhill if I get too confident in myself--superiority complex in the making, I swear this is why I have an inferiority complex, to balance things out.

But yeah. Things like this make me think it might actually be possible to get an apprenticeship or internship somewhere. And if not either of those, then at least a scholarship to study abroad. Especially since I'm not as willing to half-ass last-minutely do things.

I dunno. This year has been way better than last year so far. I'm just hoping it'll stay that way.

And yeah, putting this out here, but I love you guys for putting up with my self-pity parties. I know it seems like I whine continuously but really, my self-esteem has gotten a lot better.

In fact, today I got other shit that needed to get done done. Apparently the dentist I went to when staying with sannask and horatio09 this summer is sending me a bill. Why? I already paid my bill, right? Uh, no. My dad's insurance company/job people's are being asshats again and insisting that I'm not a full-time student. (With 13 hours, I'd better damn well be considered a full-time student.) So my sister and I went and took care of that around 4PM today. Then I went upstairs in Keeny Hall to get an appointment with my counselor (since I missed my first one because lol surpraise band rehearsal at 4 instead of 4:30).

October 6th, I have an appointment at 11AM. Early, but why the hell not? I have Art Appreciation around that time anyway.

And yeah. I should've called the HP people and get the buying-a-new-laptop thing out of the way today but I didn't get around to it. So tomorrow, I'm going to be trying to get on that. And once everything involving the computer gets squared away, I can probably use the rest of the money to buy winter clothes and new shoes (because I have nothing but old (and by old, I mean over a year old and completely worn out) tennis shoes and one pair of Mudds that, while fitting and comfy and such, is already kind of falling apart when my older sister Shorty bought them for me for my bday, wtf) and maybe things like an iPod and a new digital camera. I am sort of lacking in the hi-tech department, anyway.

Not counting the money that I need to send to Sanna and Joe, I have around $500 in my bank. Now, I dunno how the computer people want to do things--a downpayment of some-odd amount and then the monthly installments pay or what--but hopefully it won't be more than $300 there. And then the $200 can be used for whatever. Or something. I dunno.

Aaah... this is the first time in a week I've been on the up and up in my mood. And last time, it had probably been months since I was that happy and relax and with-it about things. Just... I have no clue why the positive attitude but it feels nice. At least better than late Saturday night when I was talking with my friend Miguel who... I love him like a bro but I probably shouldn't have told him a lot of the things I did.

I dunno. I've been needing to open up to more people here since the only two people who know me as well as I know myself pretty much, IRL, are gone and I can't interact with them in person anymore. That's part of the reason I got kind of depressed this past week actually. The whole going stir-crazy and no one to talk about it with or anything because that would mean admitting I'm a different kind of person than I like to pretend I am. ... which is probably why I come across as a tight-ass a lot.

Meh. I'll work it out. Talking with Miguel was a step in the right direction, hopefully. I dunno if I can trust myself to do it with anyone else any time soon but at least I know someone's sort of got my back... even though I haven't talked with him since that night really. But Miguel's always kind of had my back. Especially sophomore year when I was stressing about my solos in Wind Ensemble. God, I nearly cried at him so many times, it's not even funny.

But yeah. One step at a time. Building up my esteem and working harder on my languages... actually reading my assignments--which I haven't really done but I need to read Bede for English History because we have a discussion tomorrow that is worth a lot of grade points and even if I'm good at BSing that sort of thing, I actually do want to know what the hell they're talking about. These kinds of things that I've been kind of ignoring for the past... well... since before high-school really. Man, I do love it when I'm actually interested in my subjects rather than suffering through them like I did in Sociology and Chemistry (which would be why I made a D in one and failed the other).

... I'm surprisingly in a good place right now, but I know some other people on my flist aren't and. Well. If I could send out waves of positive feelings, I really would. Love to you guys. You have no idea how much.

And I think that's all for now. Someone beat me with a stick if my babbling gets on your nerves. Norly!
.

Okay, so yeah. School is up and running (finally) which means I will have access to interwebs via computer labs. (And here I thought I wouldn't have to do that sort of thing again for a long, long time.)

Anyway, so far so good. Just got done with my History class around 10AM and then headed over to the cashier to see if I was taken care of financially. Also went to pick up a drop-add form so I can add my band course since it conflicts with my French course. And then I went to the upper-floor of Keeny Hall to schedule a counseling session on Sept. 11th at 3PM. Mostly because if these past two weeks are any indication, my self-esteem is shot and I am slightly freaked out and somewhat afraid of my performance levels this year in school.

In some things I've gotten better, in others... well. No. I'm scared mostly because I failed so hard last year. I can't afford a repeat and yeah. Lack of self-esteem. Orz. So I have the same counselor from last year too. He's cool.

Beyond that... 13 hours of courses this quarter--which equals out to a COMPLETELY FULL LOAD in the semester system. I think I'll be okay because for SOME reason I perform better when I have more courses. Spring quarter I only had 8 hours (absolute minimum for full-time student status) and... yeah. We're not going there.

( Schedule of school time stuffs goes here. )

I... don't think I'll be getting a job this quarter, but if I do, I think I'll try to work only weekends. I went to Subway this past Sunday and Mahagony and Will said that they were kind of short-handed. I dunno. I might need to for money's sake but it really all depends on if this load will stress me out too much or not. Especially since I do have football games on some weekends.

So far so good though. I have my schedule for my History class in hand and lol. Midterm, Final, and a 10 to 12-paged research paper on the history of England from ancient times to 1688. Ftw, yo. Still it's very fun and sob. I might as well make History my minor at this rate. Orz.

... same could be said about English but fdfdafdas... someone stop me from being a super-super-super-super senior. At the rate I'm going I'll be in school for a looooooooooooooooooong time.

Not that I mind. I like learning. INFERIORITY COMPLEX AND INSATIABLE CURIOSITY, FTW.

And... I think I have till around noon until my English class. WORLD MASTERPIECES! And this is was mostly because I didn't have enough classes to fill up space. One day I will get my sciences out of the way. You know... when they're not so FULL. *headdesks* Ditto for Speech.

Anyway... how's everyone else been? Anyone miss me? ... anyone notice I was missing? XD;;;
.

Well, I'm not sure actually, but I think I'm pretty much done with being a hermit for now. Sorry to make everyone worry and, you know, stuff, but I am feeling much better than I was earlier in the week, that's for sure!

Still, I have that "I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm stuck" mantra running through my head, but you know? I think I'll just try to ignore it until I can actually do something about it. Because right now? Not much I can do. I've got obligations here. School. Work. ... yeah, pretty much only those two but they're important. Education = degree = better chance at getting better paid job (SALARY?!) = more money = more chances to get out = freedom.

And I don't know if I'm throwing all that out because I want to believe it or... well, it's my idea of how things should go anyway.

Besides all of that, though, my apathy is less than it was a few days ago--hell, two nights ago. Which is a relief for me. Those fits of apathy of mine tend to freak me out a bit. Yeah, I know it's a way how I cope with what all's going on around me and whatnot and most of this was just me trying to recover and rebuild myself from what all happened in the Winter, but still... I don't like getting like that. Numbness is a scary thing. You don't feel anything. And that in itself is very frightening for a person like me.

I don't care if I just feel pain, I want to feel something. Numbness... is the scariest thing ever. There's no sensation, no feelings, nothing. Makes me scared to think what I could do during those apathetic fits of mine...

So yeah. I ended up going to Keeny Hall on Thursday after my Creative Writing class and scheduling a session. Tuesday, March 18th at 4PM. Maybe I'll be able to talk it out with counselor-dude and figure out a way to better deal with things than becoming a hermit. Then again, it's probably the best coping method for me. Some time and space for myself where I can relax my act, at least breathe a bit more comfortably behind the masks I wear... not having to perform for others is a huge relief, actually.

Because I do put on an act a lot. I know it's the not the most honest thing to do, but well... sometimes I can't tell if I'm acting or not, if it's any consolation? Getting harder to tell what's the real me and what's the mask...

And that's a completely new can of worms best left shut for a while longer. I mean, I've talked about it before, so you guys can understand.

As for what's been going on IRL...

Last night was kickass. There was a tornado warning and my dormitory was forced to go to the basement. I called up Andrea and asked if Sara and she felt safe enough at home and, if they didn't, they should come on over. And they did. Sara was a bit freaked out because she hadn't thought the weather had been that bad. Andrea... we almost had to drag her scrawny ass into the building because she was staring at the lightning dancing across the sky, going, "O pretty~"

... not that I have room to talk. Me and another girl from the dorm were standing just inside the building, peering through the glass and going, "Oooooo! Aaaaaaa!" at the light show. Ahahaha. I can't help it. That kind of thing... watching the fury of nature at its worse... it's kind of thrilling really. Especially when Andrea's all like, "I wanna chase the tornado!" and I was all, "CAN I COME TOO?!" Sara, our level-headed one of our trio, firmly said no. So Andrea pouted and I got in the car after it was all over and we followed the storm system just far enough to stare at the lightning some more.

We're all sorts of speshial, yes.

In school, I've been pretty good! Having only three classes is a huge relief. French is a literature course and I've actually been doing my homework... somewhat. Creative Writing is just... fun. Jeez, I dunno why they can't offer this course more often. It's fucking wonderful. Course, the professor has this "No Scifi. No Fantasy," rule so... And the first assignment was about unique names of characters and I turned in a fun little snippet that's not canonically part of my story Minskir. Will post that up on motsdejeva later today. The best part? Most of the corrections that he wrote on my paper were typos, grammatical errors, and comma splices (only one of them, surprisingly). Maybe he did that with the other people but considering that I wrote that little scene up 15 minutes before class? Yeah. Made me feel good. Also, he liked the fact that Minskir stood for "minor skirmish" and then later on became also short for "miniskirt." Ahahaha~

Helps with my worn-down self-esteem some, yes.

As for Chemistry...

Chemistry is boring. I dunno why but while I find science interesting to learn and all, having to sit there and do the chemical equations and stuff is just boring. I have no interest in it whatsoever. And yet I love how my professor goes on little anecdotes in order to relate scientific things to us. Like we're talking about waves--light waves and such--and he brings up the microwave oven and then explained exactly how a microwave oven works. Which is kickass. Also, we talked about radio waves and how waves can cancel each other out resulting in dead-air on the radio and such and he went into a spiel about how he almost got put into an international sports magazine but Dale Earnhardt's death completely ruined that because the issue was dedicated entirely to the race car driver.

So yeah. It's been... really good at school. I'm not stressing out over assignments. I'm actually getting things done (even if they're sort of last-minute) and just... yeah.

And I'll get into work in my next post. For now, I think this is enough. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing better now and I'm coming back out of the woodwork and will be posting daily again now. Because I know you guys missed me and all~

... you did, right?

But yeah. Hope you all have been doing well! I've been keeping track of my flist and all during my antisocial bit but yeah... things can happen and you might not talk about them, so here's to hoping you all are doing well also!
.

Counseling sessions always make me feel a bit better.

Totally more awake now even though I'm running on 5 hours of sleep.

I even got to babble about my Murderer fic in session today~ |D

But yeah.

Got a phone call near the end of my session.

Twas the oral interviewer dude.

I did manage to get that time slot and do have an interview at 5:30PM today.

...

OH THANK GOD.

*very nearly cried with joy right in front of her counselor*

Srsly, though, I think I startled him with my suddenly exclamation when I hung up. XDD;;;

Ah well...

I had told him that I was planning to go to Monroe just in case, anyway, but it's really nice to know that I did manage to get that time slot.

Now I need to get all of the rest of this scholarship business out of the way and I'm set.

... I think I'll email Robken, asking if he's willing to write me a quick letter of reccommendation and telling him that we need to talk about my continuing involvement in the band. Because I think I still want to be involved with it... just not this next quarter. If I keep with it this next quarter, I will burn out and I will come to hate band.

So yeah.

Mostly got that squared away thanks to talking it out with counselor-dude >.>;;;

Also.


Dear Dr. Dolly,

I love you. You are a wonderful person and you have helped me out when I've needed help the most, but when I put Chemistry in the alternate slot, it does not mean I am discounting it as an option to take it in the Spring. I will not drop the idea of taking the Creative Writing course and you should know me better than to think I would.

But thanks for trying to help me out in regards to all of that. I have thought this out quite often, though.

Much love,
Jazz.



Yeah. And now... I should get food. Or something.

*sighs*

Long day today~ Dunno when I'll be back in Ruston... at least I have some bit of that 31_days scene that I'm supposed to post today. >.>;;

Anyway, hope everyone's day is going well (we have pouring rain outside--my socks are wet DX)!

Only one more class and I'm home free!

... to go back to my dorm and clean it, wash clothes, and then study French while also chatting it up with a few peeps.

First of all, meeting with Dr. Dolly about the scholarship thing went smoothly. Found out that scholarship can cover all expenses for the 5 weeks of being wherever I choose to go. However, this does mean I would have to pay air fare and ahahaha... this limits my choices of going to either Belgium or Canada. Looks like if I get this scholarship, I'll be heading off to the land of mounites and "eh?"s. But then again, that's still very much up in the air. I'm actually doubtful I'll come even close to getting it, really.

Second of all, counseling session. Oi, Mom, you'll love this. You know how you asked me this Christmas how my counselor diagnoses me? Well, I told him about that convo and he then told me that he actually did have a diagnosis for me.

Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

... ahahaha.

Similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in how it comes about but different in that it's a lot less severe. If a person feels threatened or helpless for long periods of times, they can grow up to have this. I've actually read up on it before and ahahaha... noticed I had some similarities but didn't diagnose myself because that's a no-no. But... well. Basically, counselor-dude knows well that I am more than a bit paranoid and freak out about some things, I don't like to be alone with certain people, I don't like being alone period and I certainly don't like being touched without permission unless I know that person very well. Lesser symptoms, yes. But they're actually the more basic ones. And today, after being told this, I confessed to having moments where I think one thing and automatically, my brain sends me off to a moment in the past when something happen--little things, but a lot of them. Mostly having to do with fighting, yelling, screaming, huddled in a corner bawling my eyes out.

Hell, an example would be along the line of how when people mention being stuck or my being incapable of doing anything, I automatically think of our rent house. Yes, yes, I know. I'm such an over dramatic person, blah blah blah, whatever. But I dunno if you were or are aware of just how trapped I feel whenever I'm over there. I avoid it because I don't like it. Just... guh.

When people tell me I'm not fit to do something, I automatically think of ending up back there--in the actual house, meaning I don't think about the fact that there's family and loveable animals there, just the house and all the things wrong with it and just... goddamn just no. I hate it. I hate going back there, but I go back there to see you, Mom, because I love you no matter where you are. Okay? So... this is not to put down our family or anything, just... that place. I wanted out, so I stayed up here this past summer. However, this does not mean I purposefully don't see you very often on purpose. Believe me, I'd be down there every weekend, if I could. Sadly, can't. Need to learn to drive. *puzzlepuzzle*

But yeah. Funness. Always fun to know what's wrong with you. Ahahaha. No wonder I fly off the handle sometimes when people say things like "stupid" to me. Everyone loves having flashbacks to being cornered and yelled at over and over again whenever they hear that word |D;;

Besides that, however, I got told again what a "happy" person I am. And I was given a "happiness survey". Which... I'm supposed to do and have ready for my next counseling session next week--same time.

Apparently, my taking joy in the little things in life = happiness of the best kind?

Hooooookay.

After that, it was off to band with me, and ahahaha. I txt'd candy__chan throughout most of it. |D 'Twas fun~

And then I went to take my Foreign Lang test and ahahaha. I did so much better on this test, I dunno if it was just because I paid more or less attention in it or reviewing the basics of French with clover_magic helped or what, but yeah. Hopefully will get a good grade on this one. I mean, I got like an 85 on my first test. So... we'll see next Thursday when she finally gives back our tests. |D;;;

And now I'm sitting here writing this up and trying to help out a friend in need but I dunno if I'm doing so hot of a job. I dunno what else to do or say beyond what I am doing or saying, so... I guess I'll stick with it, and just try my best. I want everything to work out okay in the end. I really hope it does.

And now I'm off to Sociology. Will be another two hours before I'm back in my dorm to do those things I mentioned. So... yeah.

Ja, minna-san!
.

So. Counseling session cheered me up immensely. I love being able to talk and tell stories and still have the other person understand what I'm trying to get at. Because I'm horrible about being direct and up-front about things, so that someone actually doesn't try to make me spit it out is just plain awsum.

We did talk a bit about my seasonal depression and my loneliness and stuff and I think we'll follow up on that during our next session on the 17th. So yeah. Funness.

Best moments of today was:

"Your writing is so wonderful and it's very intense. It kind of gives a Stephen King feel to it--not that you do any of the... horror or gore--"
"Um... actually... there're these things called theme comms and all my friends were doing lovey-dovey ones so... I went all, '... I'll do 30_deathfics!' And now I get to kill off the same character and his loved ones 40 times..."
"..."
"... |D"

"I went to Ole Miss and noticed the pine straw was fake."
"... you... noticed this?"
"Well, yeah. All of us did, really. There wasn't a single pine tree there, so we all theorized that maybe they import the pine straw from Louisiana or something. Then we were walking--and we had to walk all around campus because someone gave us messed up directions--and the sun hit just right and... the pine straw shined."
"... fake pine straw."
"Yeah. Plastic and everything. Had a little slit running down the side and it was a definite give away when I picked one up and bent it in half only to have it make a loop rather than folding and braking apart."
"... the things you notice, Trinity. *shakes head*"
"Well, like I said, it was kind of obvious. Also, there was this car with about 20 air fresheners hanging from the rear-view mirror parked there."
"... someone must have had a really smelly car."
"Yeah. People from my band were going, 'Oh, that's hilarious,' and whipped out their cell phones and went 'SNAP!' taking a photo."

"You know, I think I'm only perceptive because, well, 1) I have that little 6-sense thing that my family has about feeling good or bad around a person or place, and 2) I read things about detectives who idolize Holmes and try to tail some bad guys only to be knocked upside the head and then fed a poison that should have killed him but instead shrunk him into a kid. And he has to solve murders that way."
"... whut."
"It teaches you to look where most people wouldn't think to look--places kids would look but adults wouldn't. Also, people never look up anymore either."
"..."
"And it doesn't hurt that I like Holmes, too, either."
"... Sherlock Holmes?"
"... yes?"

|D I love my counselor-dude. We can has fun conversations sometimes. ♥
.

Well, today was fairly interesting. We went all over the place with talking and stuff and yeah.

I'm still always so surprised that my counselor-dude can keep up with me. He lets me go off on tangents and everything, unlike how my old counselor did. Not that I blame her. Sometimes I lose track of the point I'm trying to get at when I start. Thankfully, counselor-dude actually remembers stuff we were talking about BEFORE I start on my tangents.

And ahahaha. He psycho-analyzed my crying over the ending of Casanova. |D

"Now, why is it that you cry at the ending?"
"Because it's just really sad. Like he said, 'I kept running and running and reaching for that one thing but it always slips from my grasp...'"

And then I described the one scene that makes me wibble so bad. The part where Casanova sees Henriette at the docks in England, and while she's on a boat, heading out to the sea and away from England, he's standing on the docks, pleading with her to come to him or to let him come with her only to have her insist on no. And then he puts his hands near his heart and then brings them out to her, and she mimicks him, and they both have such sorrowful expressions.

Gah.

Just makes me sad thinking about it.

I even laughed and went, "Oh dear, I feel like crying right now," in session XD;;;

But best of all, he asked me this question, "If I had the power to give you whatever job you wanted, what would it be?"

And I immediately answered, "If there were a job that involves me just sitting somewhere and watching people, I'd do it."

And it took over 30 minutes of hitting different topics--running through all the things I have an interest in--foreign cultures, writing, psychology, history, sociology, etc...--and then going on tangents involving my writings and my family and how we seem good judges of character and such until counselor-dude sat back and stared at me going, "I see what you meant now. You really would just sit there and... watch people."

And yeah. I would. >.>

But yeah. Besides that, he asked me if I was being myself in session and I just went, "It's kind of hard to tell what's fake and what's not these days." And he kept insisting that he could never imagine me as a shy person who hesitates and who's actually quite a quiet person who hates talking in front of very many people. Which made me... just kind of smile the whole time.

"People tend to tell me that: 'Oh, you're so energetic and you make me feel welcomed,' and on and on," I said at one point before tossing my hands into the air, "And I'm just sitting there going, 'Don't you people know an act when you see one?'"

And yeah.

He called me ebullient.

e·bul·lient - adjective

1. overflowing with fervor, enthusiasm, or excitement; high-spirited
2. bubbling up like a boiling liquid.

Hm...

But yeah. Fun session today. He gets so caught up in the session, it's really kind of amusing. And he seemed amazed about how well I remember some things and how I tell a simple story and how it means something else completely--which makes me happy because my old counselor seemed put off everytime I tried to relate a story. He's all about going, "You're fascinating."

So I told him just at the end of the session, "Yeah... if you ever ask me about my old house... I could describe every little thing in detail. All of it."

And he actually said he wanted me to describe it.

Sadly, we ran out of time.

In fact, I got out of there 10 minutes after I should have been finished XD;;;

Ah~ So fun~

And now I have to scrabble together a French thing before class!
.

I'm a very forgetful person by nature. 'S part of the reason I got me a planner and actually started using it--unlike when I got one last year. I kept forgetting I had it.

Anyway. So.

Posting here so I don't forget, since we all know I check my LJ more often than not:

- Write French narrative due Friday morning.
- Go meet with Dr. Dolly Monday, Oct. 29th at 4:40PM.
- Go meet with Dr. Dolly again Wednesday, Oct. 31st at 4:30PM for advising.
- BRING COOKIES TO CLASS ON MONDAY.

Also,

- Get to the SGA and ask them about how to go about getting lots of pizza stuff for small amount of money for anime club party.
- Reschedule yearbook photo if at all possible.

... yeeeeeeah. I think that's about it.

Oh, wait.

- GET TO WORK ON ENGLISH PAPER ASAP. SRSLY. DECIDE ON A FREAKIN' AMERICAN AUTHOR ALREADY AND JUST WRITE THE FIRST PARAGRAPH. ESSAY IS DUE EITHER TUESDAY OR THURSDAY NEXT WEEK, FIND OUT WHICH.

Yeah, I think I got the message.

Hokay. So.

...

Today's counseling session was kind of nifty. Started late but meh.

It took us nearly the whole hour to get around to him bringing up my writing.

Guys, my counselor-dude, a former English teacher, said that my writing style was beautiful.

... whut.

NORLY.

This... kind of astounds me? He told me he read it again because of... something. Like he got too into it the first time he read it and then went, "Oh wait, I'm reading this to find out more about her psychoanalytically, UM." And uh... yeah.

YES IT IS A SHOCK TO ME. Especially when he told me that my story Minskir, at least, would stand a chance at being published and doing well. Also, that even though my descriptions are simple at best, I do a wonderful job of capturing the reader or something?

I DUN REMEMBER. I WAS IN SHOCK.

B-but yeah.

Besides that, we talked about different stuff. Told him about my Hermit Mode incident last week where I skipped classes and spent my whole time watching Doctor Who. Which he then made into a whole psychoanalytical thing and asked me more of why I liked the show, and ahahaha. He says I project onto the Doctor. You know... the whole being lonely thing? Wouldn't surprise me. Would explain why the hell I cry whenever I watch series 2 or 3 finales. *shakes head*

Then when I told him I started laughing right afterward because of Donna or the ship busting in, yeah. Whole thing about dynamics and whatnot.

Then we talked about how messed up my mother's side of the family is--about how my aunt is a horse-thief, how my uncle is a paranoid weirdo who thinks the Feds are after him because he witnessed the Kennedy assassination when he was a boy, and just that whole mess. Yeah. Uh. MY FAMILY HAS ISSUES. |D

Then he asked about work and classes and stuff and then did the whole thing where he was going on about how mutli-faceted I am, saying, "You can go to university and I know you're bright enough to pass it and go on through life so that ultimately you'll..."

I just sat there and went, "..." before shrugging and saying with a bit of a grin, "Je ne sais pas."

Again, I got that bit of disappointed look, and had to tell him that while he's right in that I've come to terms with where I've been and who I've been in life, I still don't know where or who I really am RIGHT NOW, and certainly haven't the foggiest as to where I'm going or who I'll become.

So yeah.

Sadly, my next counseling session won't be until November 5th. *sighs* I actually like going to counseling. Gives me a chance to at least put things into perspective, which is why I'm going, mostly, these days. And thankfully, counselor-dude understands that and IS helping as best he can.

Ahaha. But yeah.

Funness~

OH. SOCCHAN. DID YOU SEE MY RESPONSE TO YOUR POST? BECAUSE YEAH. UM. YEAH. |D
.

APOLOGIES TO HEATHER IN ADVANCE. THIS POST CANNOT CONVEY MY WINNING OF THE WORLD WITHOUT THE ICON. RLY.



GUYS. GUYS. I HAD A TOTALLY AWSUM DAY.

See, see! Today I was woken up an hour earlier than I was hoping, feeling like I was drowning in mucus and everything, but I got over it because it was Derek whining for me to let him come over to my dorm and visit and hang out. But when I kept saying no, he babbled and let me babble about anime and the meeting tonight and stuff like that. So, yeah. Felt very happy about that wake-up and got about an hour more of sleep before I finally got up at 2PM.

Then I got dressed and went to my counseling session.

Luckily, my counselor-dude had a thing to go to by 4, too, so we agreed to end the session early. But we actually got really into things. Mostly, like my counselor-dude said, we're taking our time figuring out where I know I am or at least think I am before I can progress to where I should go. And... he keeps telling me I'm dynamic and interesting and apparently seemed very interested when I told him about some stuff--you know that stuff about getting people to play roles I can't fulfill myself I talked with you about, Candy? Yeah, that. That seemed to interest him a lot. Ahahaha.

And then we started going down the list of that Rate Yourself homework (which I remembered to bring this time) and yeah. Time ran out after the third one. Right before we left, though, I gave him print-outs of a couple of scenes from my story Minskir because he said he was interested in reading it to see what he could get of my thinking process from it. He was an English teacher. He can read between the lines, hopefully.

And yeah. Awsumness.

After that, I went over to Subway for the employee meeting and ahahaha... it wasn't that bad. And it definitely made me feel a lot better about having the cut in hours. Even if he did bring up the topic of, "Don't. Freak. Out. I promise you, it's not as bad as it seems. But do not freak out in front of customers," to which I rose my hand and went, "I-I won't do it again, I swear." And ahahaha...

But really, meeting made me feel a lot better. Jason is actually a cool guy when he wants to be. Thing is, he can also be an ass when he wants to be. Meh.

But yeah! I also got my schedule for the next two weeks again~

Days I work:

Tomorrow (10/4) - 8PM to close
Sunday (10/7) - 5PM to 8PM
Tuesday (10/9) - 5PM to 8PM ... which I traded in favor of the Monday I had but now I realize that I have band during that time, too, fuuuuuuuuuuck... why do I fail at life?
Thursday (10/11) - 8PM to close
Friday (10/12) - 8PM to close
Sunday (10/14) - 5PM to 12AM

Yeeeeeah. Sadly, the 10/11 - 10/14 hours go toward a different paycheck but meh. I'm slowly getting some hours back. I think Jason's trying to see what will keep me from over-doing it again so I won't freak out again. Really, I think the solution is simple: don't schedule me closing on Sundays. DX

But yeah. We got some commendments for having met our money and labor cap for the month. Apparently the store has a labor cap at 19%, and we got 19.00% which is win. However, he was miffed about the money situation because apparently some money's been going missing from the register via credit receipts and messed up drops and yeah. Jason's cracking down on that by saying only one person on the register AT ALL TIMES. Basically, no one but the one cashed-in can work the register. And the person at the register can't be the person in charge on that shift.

And yeah. Ahaha. That's pretty much all that he talked about besides scolding us, saying, "Things to call me for in the middle of the night: injuries, bleeding, death, accidents, fire, etc. Do not call me over mildewed mopheads." XD;;; I... had no idea what he was talking about until Mahogany sheepishly said, "I won't do it again."

And yeah.

I ALSO GOT PAID TODAY. HUGE PAYCHECK. BIGGER THAN I THOUGHT. $376.67! FOR 67 HOURS OF WORK. BOOYAH.

So yeah. Happy about that, I got a meal from Subway (because I hadn't eaten at all at that point and had the shakes) and got a ride over to GTM just in time for French.

And French was awsum, too. I UNDERSTOOD A LOT MORE THAN I USUALLY DO, WTF.

Also had funny scenes like someone asking if we could leave early. Dr. Dolly was all, "No, we won't leave early~" and I had at some point commented that I was sick with a cold, so another person spoke up that if they put me near her, we would get out early (Dr. Dolly is all paranoid about germs and sickness and whatnot). We all kind of laughed and I started inching my student desk closer to Dr. Dolly's desk, only to have her look to me, with some horror, and say, "No, no, Jazz! Regard la distance!" So I was nice and just laughed and backed back into my previous position.

But yeeeeeeeeeah~ I have another French paper thing I have to write due Monday. Yare, yare. I hate writing description in English and I have to do it in a foreign language? Maaaaaaaaan...

Right after French class, I went to hang out with Derek and Will up in the room that the anime club meeting would take place and yeah. Played around there for an hour until people showed up and we started the meeting.

You guys, it was so awsum. I... am so amazed whenever I go to these meetings now. SO MANY PEOPLE COME! I mean... just wow. And yes~ WE WATCHED 3 EPISODES OF GURREN LAGANN AND THE CLUB LOVES IT~ ♥ I personally cackled at the male-half of the club's reaction to Leeron. Kekeke...

In fact, Will told me that he tried to have the anime club watch it last year and I went, "Eeeeh? I don't remember you mentioning it!" and yeah, he just kind of went, "... you have a lot more charisma than I do," to which I said, "... no, I don't," and thus started the ever-continuing round of, "Yes you do," and "Nooooooooo. Liiiiiiiiiiiiies," and yeah. |D

B-but really. So awsum ;o;! P-people were actually willing to do things like watch Black Cat and fill out a survey for Funimation so we could get more free stuffs and yeah. Just... omg, you guys, the club is so awsum and I love it so much and people are paying their dues and just... omg. Love for the anime club and love for my officers and zomg IT'S GOTTEN SO BIG SINCE I FIRST BECAME A MEMBER.

... I also paid off 4/5 quarters of dues I owed |D;;;

BUT YES. THIS IS WHY I AM HAPPY.

COUSELING = LOVE.
WORK MEETING = LOVE.
FRENCH = LOVE.
ANIME CLUB = LOVE + GURREN LAGANN.

JUST... ♥!
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Didn't rant about work in session today.

I actually think this is a good thing.

Instead, the time passed very quickly and yeah. We talked about some stuff. Randomly going from one thing to another.

Then he told me, "Trinity, I hate to do this to you but..."

And knowing what he was about to say, I put my hand to my forehead and groaned.

"You tell me you have 16 stories..."

More groaning from me.

"... how many have you finished?"

I looked up, that kind of embarrassed smile probably showing, and answered, "None?"

Disapproving and disappointed look, ftw!

Yeah, then we somehow got me talking about my story Minskir. And my counselor-dude seemed really interested. Which is good, because I really like writing Minskir and everything. Ahahaha~ I loved how I had to spell out the names for him.

"So Minskeer--"

"Minskir."

"Sorry, MINSKIR... where did you get that?"

"It all came from a dream."

"... the plot or the name?"

"Both."

"..."

"My dreams have plots~"

And when I told him what Minskir stood for--both the "minor skirmish" and the "miniskirt"--he seemed somehow very surprised and impressed. Ahaha...

Then I had to spell out Satango for him because yeah |D

I also loved when I mentioned Simon:

"So just... plain old Simon?"

"Well, it's short for something else."

"...?"

"Simon Says."

"... ah, so I guess he's one of those people who follow orders without question? 'Simon says do this.'"

"Yeppers."

And then he asked, "Do you have any female characters in the story?"

So I answered, "Yes. Ztana."

"... Zuh...tana?"

"Yeah. She's a spy."

XD

And yeah, he said he actually wants a look at some of my writings, because since writing is one of my coping methods, my escapism from reality as it were, he thinks that seeing how I write will get a look into how I think and stuff.

...

I'm really, really liking my counselor. This is how I expect counseling to be like. Where they try to think a few steps ahead of you and predict or guess as to your motives because that's what the behavior that's been shown applies to. Of course, it makes it even more fun now whenever I get a surprised reaction from him. |D

So yeah. Doing much better now. Feeling less tired, still haven't done my French assignment (ahahaha... shouldn't be too hard and yeah... I do this in English class too, the not doing rough drafts of essays thing...), and haven't eaten yet (d-don't kill me, Heather, I had grapefruit juice? D:).

But yeah. Doing much better. I guess after last night, being able to talk about things from my perspective without having to keep biting my tongue because I could get fired for the things I want to say is very relieving.

... no wonder I have so many issues. Because that's exactly what I was raised to do--bite my tongue and keep all the negative words to myself. Even if, you know, I tended to lash out at my sisters anyway.



EDIT: ... I'm skipping French today.

Why?

I don't have my portrait written and that's pretty much all we'll be working on in class anyway. And I'm already late for class.

Besides that, I just don't want to DO anything today. I'm tired. I'm recovering from stress. I just want to get a meal, go to my dorm and curl up on my bed and mess around on the internet--I NEED A REAL DAY OFF, OKAY? Every day either has work or class or work AND class and I just... really need this one day off, please? I swear I won't skip French again this WHOLE quarter if you guys won't rub it in my face that I neglected my responsibilities and everything...


EDIT 2: And when I say all of that, I do mean I will also work on my English homework and on the French portrait I should have done that way I'll have something to show for Wednesday.
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Okay, yeah.

GUESS WHAT I DID?

I DID THE WRONG PAGES FOR MY FRENCH HOMEWORK.

HOW MUCH DOES THIS UPSET THE JEVA?

JUST A LITTLE.

Besides that, yeah. Had fun in French today. Um... wasn't really paying attention to most of the class (orz...) but I did read a question aloud and answered in French so... yeah. Um. Go me?

But I WAS working on my French while everyone was reading the passage I was supposed to have read. I was mostly underlining words that made me go to my French-English dictionary and looking them up. And once I got bored with that, I started randomly jotting things down on my paper. You know, that thing I do when I'm bored in class and want to appear busy? Yeah...

( French Scribblings )

Yeah, I'm so creative, yo.

But yeah, that's what I did in French today. Um. I promise to pay more attention on Wednesday. I just didn't pay attention because I was more than a bit miffed that I did homework that WASN'T my homework and... yeah. I fail at life. Leave me alone.

Before all of that happened, however, I did go to see my counselor and it... was fun. This guy is easy to get alone with. I basically went into his room and was all, "OHHHH, CAN I HAVE THE COUCH?" And he was like all surprised and went, "You want the couch? Okay!"

And yeah...

We basically revisited all of the stuff that my counselor-lady from this Spring and I had talked about and quickly summed up all my problems near the end of the meeting. I, of course, mostly babbled, but he seemed to enjoy listening to me tell stories and weave my metaphors. I guess he's more into that sort of thing.

I loved counselor-lady and all, but she went for the direct approach and that... yeah. I'm a stubborn mule about that sort of thing.

But yeah.

A few times, he commented about how articulate I was and how I was able to give out both the good and bad things that was wrong with me, that I needed to improve on. "You know who you are and you know where you've been and you've just got so much... insight in how you are as a person... it's very impressive..."

Stuff like that. Meanwhile, I looked at the floor and just kind of smiled--I think kind of nervously, embarrassed, sad. Because I really don't think of myself as very articulate at all. Writing is one thing. Writing is something that can be edited and improved with the press of the backspace button. Speaking? Once you mess up, the screw up is there for everyone to see and... well, I am better at speaking openly that I was when I was younger, but I used to be horrible at that sort of thing. The way people would just stop and stare whenever I spoke when I was younger... it was so unnerving.

I explained to him that this is the sort of feelings I get now in my foreign language classes--which, btw, he was pretty impressed that I went into this field of study--no idea why. It's not that impressive. I can't even speak either French or Spanish fluently, and I barely know enough Japanese to string a childish sentence together, so...

But yeah. We quickly summed up my family, my relationships with my parents, my grandmother (DX), my inability to bluntly say how I feel, my avoidance tendencies, and then a good list of my complexes and whatnot.

List goes something like this:

- Inferiority Complex (low self-esteem can be put into this section)
- Middle Child Syndrome (i.e., used to keeping quiet and out of the way and not speaking up even when I should)
- Marital-Dating Complex (i.e., scared of dating and just of guys in general)
- Being of two minds (i.e., Idealistic Cynic)
- Avoidance Tendencies (this also goes with the talking about feelings thing)

Yeah. So these meetings will be interesting. Apparently, he finds me a fascinating person. He seemed eager to get to know me and get to talking about things, and at the same time, I was feeling very much willing to answer his questions--at least, answering them in my own way. He seems to pick up on things quicker than counselor-lady did, but that's probably because he's been working with college students for over 20 years now.

But yeah.

I dunno, I'm kind of worried about going into his office upset or anything because we started off so well. I hated that I came into counselor-lady's office tired and upset and depressed. I hated wearing that smile that never reached my eyes, like she told me once.

And I think Counselor-dude knows this. He actually opened my file and read what counselor-lady had put in there about me. Things like, "Client came into meeting saying she was tired--depressed?" and whatnot. Which... was a good thing for me. I've been wanting to know what she had written about me and whatnot. And... well, yeah. I noticed she picked up on things that I wanted her to pick up on.

She noted that I was upset about the getting a new counselor thing and was uneasy with it, but she didn't seem to catch on that I was having a small little panic attack where I felt like I was being abandonned and whatnot. But... yeah. I didn't mention that I was feeling that way, so she only noticed that it did bother me and not why.

... maybe this guy will get the why a little easier?

Explaining those sort of things... I don't really like to do it, but if I have to...

Yeah. And I was given homework by Counselor-dude. He said I was allowed to share it with my LJ peeps. >.>;;

( Placement in Life )

Hm... yeah. He also gave me another piece of paper with broad steps toward better self-esteem. And well... he said that he was glad to see that I've gotten through a couple of the steps on my own. Because, yeah. He's read my file and I was a very scary person before this summer. >.>;;;

I think I'm going to start bringing my tape recorder to those sessions. You know, so I can write out a transcript of it for myself. I might post it here under a new f-lock. Hm...

If you're interested in being on this f-lock, sign up here. You'll get to read all sorts of fun things that Jeva says to her counselor~ |D

Aaaaand, I think that's all for now.

I'll start working on my English around 9-ish, but will be online sporatically because... uh. I'm awsum like that. But yeah, I will get it done. *thumbs up*
.

Hokay, so. Had a fairly peaceful day today. Went to all my classes and went to couseling session. Yeesh. Always fun stuff. No really. She's one of the people that says I'm stubborn as hell and will argue to high heaven. Ah well. That's how I was raised :/

She also gave me a homework assignment--first of all: think over the things we talked about during the session (which she always says and which I sometimes remember to do--note to self: bed at 12AM, up at 9AM for studying French vocab). Second of all: tell myself one good thing about myself every day.

... yes, we talked a bit about my self esteem issues. Blech. As soon as she told me that bit of homework, my lips twisted up in a kind of not-smirk while my nose wrinkled in distaste and my brow furrowed in a frown. Yeah. I was laughing though, snerking, actually. Going, "Yeeeeeah. Look in the mirror and tell myself something... lessee... huge-ass pimple on chin. Hair has messy ringlets everywhere again. Sloppy clothes. Flabby stomach..."

She stopped my little bout of self-depreciative humor by insisting I do it and it doesn't have to be physical stuff. Yeesh. You people are pushy about the self esteem bit! XD

So... I think I'll change up the homework assignment a bit and say 2 good things about myself a day--one when I get up and get ready for the day, and one when I'm about to turn in for the night.

So. Gonna start this off...

*loooooooooooooooong pause as she tries to think about something*

Oh. I managed to finally come up with another scene for my Minskir story. Hopefully, it will give me a direction for a subplot or something. Because I seriously need one. I have the basic plot for the story pretty much, all I'm missing are the subplots that keeps the events progressing toward the ending I have in mind. Thankfully, my sleep-deprived mind thought that today with the shining sun (it was dark with clouds at the beginning of the day and then around 9:30-ish when I got out of the Caf after eating breakfast there wasn't a cloud in the sky, weird) was a good day to think of something. And my sleep-deprived mind kind of went, "Okay. You need to write something. How 'bout going back to the basics? Write what you know. What you don't know you can BS until you can do some research on it. Use life experiences and put them on your characters or something." And thus, I have a scene in mind with Simon and Minskir--and then later on Satango.

Will probably be writing it out at some point or another. During the weekend, maybe. I have no frekkin' idea.

And that's my good opinion about myself for the day. I totally rock with the coming up with ideas for stories when running on an hour and a half of sleep, yo. *thumbs up*
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M0ny, I love you and your icons. I only have two of them put into my icon set right now, but the other two will be cycled in within the next week or so. You can pretty much bet on it.

Anyway... so... I should update ya'll on what all's been going on in my life.

Well, lessee...

Wesdnesday, I skipped my 8AM History class (1/3 unexcused absenses used already). Mostly did it because I totally screwed up my sleeping schedule because I was reading The Dresden Files and whatnot. Irresponsible, yes, but I'm not planning on skipping again for at least about month or so. Even if it keels me ded.

I did, however, go to my Spanish class at 12:30PM, which was hard to pay attention in because he was giving a lecture and we were reading and analyzing Spanish poetry. My eyes closed on their own a couple of times. I should count myself lucky that I didn't have to worry about him calling on me for an answer or something.

Then at 3PM, I headed to see my counselor. And we talked about stuff. Stuff we talked about... well, my trust issues, for one. Because I've got major ones. I don't trust other people easily at all, and worst of all, I don't trust myself. And explaining this led to us addressing my intense control issues--not with other people. Just myself. I told her how terrified I am of controlling or manipulating my friends because... well, that would make it seem like I'm forcing them to be my friends, right? So yeah... we also talked about my self-depreciative humor and how it's not just "poking fun" at myself and stuff of that nature a while. We even hit on the whole "I test other people to see if I can trust them" thing which circled back to my fear of manipulating others and my control over myself, which then led to a discussion about my crying and whatnot and how I hate it because, as I told her, it makes me feel stupid, childish, and weak.

So... homework assignment she gave me: Pros and Cons list on what would happen if I were let go of the control I have over myself. If I were to allow myself to cry more often than I do. If I were to allow myself to dwell on myself just for a little while without running to LJ or books or other people because I'm too scared to face myself.

Saa... quite a bit to think about there...

And the reason why we hit the crying thing in our session is because I remembered this Tuesday after band. In band, we've been playing Blue Shades by Frank Ticheli and it has a difficult solo for me--even if other people can and will go, "That's not that hard of a solo," it's very very difficult for me. And I'm not just talking about hitting the notes and rhythms at the appropriate time.

So, on Tuesday, we ended band with that song and I'd been hoping and praying we wouldn't have time to get to my solo. Sadly, it didn't work out that way and I messed up. Of course. Would have been able to shrug it off--but JRob had to mention it. The fact that I messed up. It made me frustrated and angry as hell--more at myself than at JRob. I went into the Large Hall to put up my Shiny Horn (which is what I keep calling the bass clarinet I've been using--it's shiny~), fists clenched and eyes glaring, head down, shoulders tense, pace quick. I knew someone was going to know I was upset and as soon as saxophone friend Miguel asked me, I burst into tears. Not those noisy, sobbig tears you hear on TV. Just a flood of angry and frustrated tears as I rambled and ranted about what I was so pissed about as I put up the Shiny Horn and shoved it (gently) back into its case.

Miguel helped me calm down some. Maybe not all the way, but it helped loads. He noticed my hands were shaking while they put Shiny Horn away but I gave the excuse of low blood sugar.

It was only partially a lie. And the Vault I guzzled down did help.

So yeah. Band's been rough and I've been beating on myself for screwing up. I know the concert's not until April 14th, so I have plenty of time to practice and better myself, but there's that part of me that's sneering at me and telling me that I'll still screw up anyway. Kind of sad, really. This is the reason I can't really trust myself. I've got two sides of my telling me opposite things. Doesn't help much.

But today's been okay. First, the job applying deal. Then I surfed around the net until 1:30PM, when I headed to GTM to go to my 2PM French class. Mood got to a low point once I left, and I got some food and headed to the Band Building, dreading playing that Ticheli piece again. But I was 15 minutes earlier than normal, so I took the time to go over some of the trickier parts and then I took a look at my solo. I worked a bit with the first part of it--triplet 8th notes and 16th notes running up and such before I hold the last note and whatnot. I tried to look at the second part of it more, but Band started at 4:30PM and... well...

I didn't do as bad. I still felt like I played like crap and kept ducking my head behind my stand as soon as I got done playing, but... Joy, a euphonium player, told me "Good job today," during our 5 minute break, and then Miguel told me how much better it sounded compared to Tuesday. It made me feel a bit better--at least, I didn't feel like crying today. But I still think I sound like crap whenever I play my solos... so I'm going to get to band as early as I can to go over them again and again. Then on Fridays, I'm going to poke Mr. Gibbs to see if he can help me with the rhythm and such--that's actually the worst part of it for me. Sometimes I need to hear the piece being snung or played for me before I can actually understand how the rhythm's supposed to be read.

So yeah. That's what's been up with me. Except, I forgot to mention that after band on Tuesday, ehrenyu and her SO kidnapped me to go to a SGA (Straight-Gay Alliance) meeting. It was pretty fun. We played Queer Contortions! ... anyother way for saying Twister. Except HARDER to play Twister. My legs still hate me for agreeing to play in the second round but damned if it wasn't fun. I'm thinking of going there again. Sadly, I can only get there around 6:30 even though the meeting starts at 6 because band runs until 6:30. Ah well...

We'll just have to see.

Crazy days~
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First off, let me say a big congrats to sannask and horatio09. Best thing evar, you two. ♥

Second of all, aw, jeez... this must be the year of the weddings or something. JT's getting married in April (on the 7th, I do believe, must ask again), and Shannon's supposed to be getting married this summer or something (please, please don't schedule it at the beginning of August, Shannon... wanna go to Sanna's wedding D:).

Third of all, I'm putting that survey-poll thing up now to I can head to bed because I got a lot of things going on tomorrow and stuff (I think I'm going to try for that 5 bonus points added to my final grade French presentation, yosh), so yeah.

In order to understand why I am doing this, you proooooooooobably should know about what all I said to my counselor this week.

( Omg. It's an LJ lock on Jeva's journal again. Run. Run for your lives! )

That session is why I feel like I should make this survey-poll. You know... to learn or relearn things about all of you guys that I haven't... really focused on. I mean... yeah. There's no excuse. I'm sorry.

But. Well.

I've changed my mind.

One question. Two answers.

Do you think I should make that sort of survey-poll?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

... yeah. I'm done for the night or something. Getting up at 8AM tomorrow... today. Whatever. Gotta go to see Dr. Dolly about that presentation and whatnot. And um... yeah, I'm doing the "I'm gonna runawaynowbeforeyoupeoplecansmackmeupsidetheheadorsomething" thing. So.

Ja! *scurries off*
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Before I explain the title of this post: Heather, I did, indeed, get dinner tonight. So you don't have to worry about me getting low blood sugar tomorrow or something *thumbs up*

And now to the point.

The reason I've been so "ewajighijgjkfemotasticbiteyourheadoffbecauselifesucks" and whatnot... is because I can't even remember when my last anime club meeting was!

See, anime club meetings are like my nights to unwind and stuff. To goof off and not have to worry about my image because hey, unlike the other 2000+ students on campus, these people are less concerned about these sorts of things (ilu anime people all over the globe ;3;), and I'm just able to... I dunno... let down a few walls and take off a few masks?

But since we have no meetings this February, THERE IS NO BREAK. Even when I'm alone in my dorm... gah.

Anime nights don't have to be weekly. Hell, I'll take just once a month. I just need that sort of unwinding time. And it's a bit sad that all of my friends appear to be so busy this quarter (Saaaaaraaaaaa ;o;) and stuff, but yeah--only around two more weeks until quarter break and then Spring Quarter and anime meetings are back and stuff!

... yeah.

*face-palms* How can I only just realize this sort of thing, I have no idea...

Ah well.

OKAY! AND NOW I HAVE TO SAY THAT SOMETIME TOMORROW, I'M PUTTING UP A SURVEY-POLL THING. BECAUSE OF SOMETHING MY COUNSELOR MENTIONED TODAY IN MY SESSION. NOT SAYING WHAT WAS SAID DURING MY SESSION ONLY BECAUSE IT MOSTLY JUST INVOLVED HER TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY I DO THIS THING WHERE I'M SMILING AND CLAPPING MY HANDS AND GOING, "WAZZAH! FTW!" AND STUFF WHEN I DON'T LOOK HAPPY ON THE FACE EXCEPT FOR MY SMILE AND STUFF--WHICH LED TO SOME CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW I DODGE AND AVOID ANSWERING QUESTIONS BY GOING ONTO TALKING AND BABBLING ABOUT SILLY ANECDOTES--D'OH! I WAS CAUGHT! SHE CALLED THE BLUFF I DIDN'T KNOW I MADE!

SO YEAH. SURVEY-POLL TOMORROW.

DO NOT MISS IT.

... and now I'm going to... take a shower. >.>;
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None of us are surprised here.

Anyway. So. It's almost 2AM and I had said 1) I was going to bed early and 2) I wouldn't post. But you know... something about masochists...

In any case, after rotting my brain with manga and CFUD and other things, I started thinking. And when I started thinking, I remembered that homework assignment that my counselor gave me. See, some of you guys have already answered it but I haven't yet--or hadn't.

I took the time to answer the questions just now. I don't really know what to think of them, to be honest. They feel honest but at the same time they feel... half-finished.

Anyway, if you want to use these questions as a meme like some of the people on my f-list have already done, feel free. It's a good way to put things into perspective. Just remember that these questions are not based on reality. They're based on the idea of "what if there was nothing bad in your life or the world", so do keep that in mind while you're answering.

And... now I'm posting and I think I'll crawl under my warm covers and get a nice 12 hours sleep (hopefully--when was the last time I got 12 hours again?).

( Answers lie here )

... maybe you guys can help me figure out why it seems half-answered because I can't really think of why. Except maybe I'm still holding myself back with these answers, but they are honest and truthful and I do feel better for answering them.

Still... I don't know what it is that feels off about it.
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My counselor gave me homework.

...

The homework is titled "Miracle Questions". Basically it's a list of of questions that I'm supposed to answer. But I'm not supposed to really think about the reality of things involving the questions. The idea goes like this: If there was some sort of miracle and everything bad in my life became good, what would I want in life?

... ah ha.

This is because while describing the structure of my family, I had to relate to her my Middle Child Syndrome. At one point she was writing and I just went, "Yeah, just write in BIG letters: MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME. Underline. Underline..." She was apparently amused but still she said, "I've noticed a theme in our talk today. You seem to think that what you get is all that you deserve."

In other words, yes, Sanna, my counselor agrees with you. Kthx. She can see I have some sort of guilt complex or something so... yeah. She gave me this homework assignment.

You guys so should have seen the look on my face when I heard what the assignment was about.

( Counselor Homework Assignment Questions go here )

... as you can probably already tell, I'm going to have to majorly curb my cynicism. But holy crap, these have some questions I don't even realistically know the answer to! Am I supposed to make it up?

Ah well... something to think about until next Wednesday at 3PM.
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Okay, so...

It turns out that I'm closer to the end of the Winter Quarter than I had thought. Registration for Spring '07 begins at the beginning of February and I may actually be a Junior in hours. Maybe. I'm not sure yet.

In any case, they have the racing form out already. Well... the prototype of the racing form. Still, I made sure to look over the subjects I need to have filled in for my General Studies and my majors, aaaaaaaand... I'm looking at maybe only 10 hours. Instead of 12 like this quarter. Thank God. I'll pester Keeny Hall about getting a job again come Monday and keep pestering them until this quarter ends. Because by then, if I don't have a job, I'm not going to get one on campus and will have to pester off campus.

Ah... schedule I'm sort-of, kind-of hoping for:

Spanish 202 - MWF - 9:30AM to 10:45AM
Speech 110 - MWF - 12:30PM to 1:45PM
Wind Ensemble - M - 4:30PM to 6:30PM

Psychology 202 - TR* - 10AM to 11:50AM
Wind Ensemble - TR - 4:30PM to 6:30PM

* R = Thursday. ... don't ask me why.

... that would be love. 12 hours is brutal. Especially when 11 of those 12 hours are hard classes--for me at least (minus History because History is awsum, yo). *falls over*

In other news: I have an English research paper due on the 12th. 4 pages. At least 4 sources. And I have to use one pair out of the list of 9 that she gave us.

Aaaaaaaaargh. I hate essays~ Do you see why I'm not taking English this next quarter? I took English two quarters in a row already. No more, please. As much as I love to write and read, the academic reading and writings kill me. I think I'll keep my literature book this time, because I actually want to actually read the stuff that we read this quarter... you know... the stuff I should have read but haven't really yet? Yeah...

... maybe I'll do the Paradise Lost (2nd Book only) and Dr. Faustus choice...

Uh... so yeah...

I win at failing, yo.



EDIT: Oh, and on my counselor thing. I offered up my rantings under the tag "Confessions" as well as maybe from other places to give over to my counselor for closer scrutiny. I want to know if you guys are okay with her seeing your responses to these posts. So. Choices you have here:

A. Sure, I don't mind having my responses shown to her.
B. Sure, I don't mind having my responses shown to her, but blot out my username and any personal information I offer in my responses.
C. No, I don't want you to use my responses.

So, there you have it. Please to have this question answered before Wednesday. I'll post a reminder on Sunday for you guys who forgot or... missed this post or something.
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3PM CST. Wendesday. January 24th. 2007.

There. Now that I have a time and date, I can't back out... unless it's a dire emergency. And no, I won't consider lack of a sleep or whatever a dire emergency (when have I ever?).

So.

Leaky roof getting patched. (horatio09? Why do I like your analogies so much?)

In other news: my nose is leaking. *goes to get tissue*

*returns* Actually, that's not what I wanted to talk about in other news. I want to rant a bit about something that was said in English class today.

So. Gulliver's Travels. I didn't even read all of Part 1 and yet I think the professor kept looking my way for some reason. Apparently, she thinks me more thoughtful than others. Either that or I looked even more pathetic than usual. I dunno. I try not to think about it--anyway!

We were being lectured on Part 1 and the little people's laws and stuff. Most of all of which were centered around honesty and integrity (dude, Swift (the author, not the character on CFUD), sorry to tell you this, man, but 300 years later--corrupt politicians PWN our countries). And then we got this part where it said that if you can prove that you haven't committed a "crime" (i.e. you've been an honest and good citizen) for 2 full years, you get a crap-load of money.

... let's just say that when my professor asked if we had that law, would be have less crime?--it was pretty much unanimous.

Then we got into talking about drinking and driving and whatever, and I commented after everyone agreed that there would be less drinking and driving, "Or, you could just... you know, not drink." In the first place, is what I wanted to say, but before I could explain this rationale to the silence that reigned, the whole class--includinging my professor--went, "Naaaaaah."

...

Well, excuse me for actually not liking the taste or the effects of alcohol on the brain. Yeah. Great. Be loose. Relax. Let go. I think not. A lot of people in the world has done something stupid that they regret doing while under the influence--including but not solely being drunk driving.

And, you know... excuse me for thinking that maybe drinking in general is more of a problem than a solution. If it weren't for an idiot who happened to think he was okay drinking and driving three years ago this coming May, a high school classmate of mine would be on his way to being in the music entertainment industry. Instead of... you know--dead. Killed in the hit-and-run. I don't even know if that guy's ever been caught.

So yeah. I fail at the college life because I don't like to party and I don't like to drink and I don't like to give into urges and suggestions from others just to "relax". I'd rather be messed up in the head, severely old-fashioned, socially retarded, and have a stick in my ass than do some of the stupid things I've heard about.

So you know what, English class? You do your thing. I'll do mine and goddamn it, it's not like I can't hear you preppy girls who don't even know the difference between classic literature and 17 Magazine or whatever is cool and hip these days giggling about my lameness over there!

Urgh. There's no such thing as Utopia--a perfect world. Now I know why authors have written stories to prove this point.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be wasting time until my band rehearsal at 4:30.
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