I swear Chemistry is going to eat my brain.

I also love how when I didn't understand what the hell the professor was talking about (lolz, quantum numbers and atomic electron structure and such), he went, "Okay. So it's like this [insert explaining here]. Okay?" "... I think so? ???" "... okay, you're smiling but you still look lost." "I-I don't GET it!" "... r-read the book, okay?" "... kay. ._."

Sob. I'll probably get it when I read over the sections in preparations for the test next week (DEAR GOD ALREADY WHY?!) b-but yeah. Last Spring I failed this VERY SAME COURSE, mostly because I didn't attend classes and when I did, I didn't pay attention, and I also lacked the critical source of THE TEXT BOOK.

S-so, I hope everything will work out because I DID get it somewhat better at the end. Just... stupid long-ass line of numbers and letters to show electrons and valence electron placements...

Like for instance: Na -> 1s²2s²2p(^6)3s¹ or [Ne]3s¹

... sob.

Anyway, running off to French class now. Orz.

I'll whine more about science later. :<
.

Okay, people buried under snow?

At least you don't have to worry about tornadoes.

Lolololorz...

I was completely soaked this morning, thanks to the heavy rain. And on top of that, the sky was greenish and the weather channel said something about a tornado watches. Well, the rain petered off and now it's starting up again and... more tornado watches and now warnings! All afternoon even!

And they still haven't canceled classes.

Lolz, Louisiana, lolz.

But thankfully, I'm in dry clothes and in my dorm.

But I have a class at 2PM across campus.

Ahahahaha!

Orz.

*wants to just crawl in bed and not have to worry about things*

Oh, and I actually paid attention in Chemistry today. I should get props. It felt like he was speed-talking through light wave formulas though and fkdsjalfkdjsfa... D: But luckily, I have my Chemistry book and I should be able to keep up this quarter--I WILL PASS THIS DAMN CLASS EVEN IF SCIENCE IS SOMETHING I'M NOT ESPECIALLY FOND OF.

In addition to that, I adore my Shakespeare class. He gives history lectures before getting into the literature. Props to him! Makes it easier to analyze the text and whatnot. Also fun times, fun times.

... note to self: dry out French 305 book and French Dictionary that got wet thanks to my booksack getting wet.

Now if only I can keep up this kind of paying attention and motivation to pass my classes. Aiming for A's this quarter. Need to recover my GPA and all...

Yeah. Fun times, fun times.


ETA: Ahahaha, I realize now that I am a Scrooge around Christmas time. Less about the not wanting to share gifts and such and more about the frowning and scowling at the love and whatnot that goes on during this holiday. Because it makes me feel even more sad and alone than my little sister likes to point me out as being.

Ah ha... good thing I've scheduled a counselor session for next Monday because... until I go home, I'm going to be feeling the I'M ALONEness and then when I'm home... yeah, I'll be expecting possible drama. You know. Family tradition or something.

... yeah. And before anyone can say it, I'm aware how attention-getting and needy this all sounds. Not intended that way. It's simply an observation because: All. The. Friends. I've. Made. IRL. Have. Moved. Away. And. Continued. On. With. Their. Lives. Meanwhile. I. Am. Stuck. Here. For. A. Whole. 'Nother. Year. And. A Half.

Right. *wanders off*
.

So I'm sitting here, waiting for 3:50 to roll around so I can get the invitation to the French Honor Society thing from my prof and am actually bored as hell.

... naturally, this means I want to share a YouTube video.

WATCH AS MY CHEMISTRY PROF JUGGLES HYDROGEN, OXYGEN, AND FIRE IN THE CLASSROOM.

WILL THE PERFORMANCE END IN FLAMES?

WATCH AND FIND OUT!



See? This is the only thing worth coming to class for. Chemistry itself is boring.

My professor on the other hand? So much win to be had.
.

And yet I'm actually getting things done. I cleaned up half of my room (6 Walmart bags of garbage, wrrrry), I put away my fics that have been laying out on the floor for two weeks (how they didn't get totally messed up, I do not know), and I printed out and studied over my French some (I even am HIGHLIGHTING things! I never do such a thing!).

S-so yeah.

I also printed out one of the stories I have to critique by Thursday and did my FAFSA and all of that. So I'm getting things done. Tomorrow is for 1) critiques, 2) finishing the goddamn short story even if it sucks, 3) studying Chemistry, and 4) ... going to class and work.

J-jeez this is what I get from being totally unmotivated to being insanely mobile in this sort of thing. I think it has to do with the fact that I have a phone now. Zomg. Having phone = win. I feel like I'll be on time for everything now. *is an insecure little bugger*

So yeah. Going to bed now. Am waking up at 7AM or so to cram more of this French literature stuff into my head, and then off to class with me!

... I-I might have to put up a semi-haitus for CFUD... you know, until I get a system down or something.

I'll do that tomorrow, I think...

*goes to pass out*
.

Feeling quite a bit better than I did when I wrote my last post. Lucky me had a mild panic attack after that, too. But I guess it helped because I've kind of been feeling less detached and more normal? Eeeh...

Totally got less than 4 hours of sleep Tuesday night, though. Was exhausted all yesterday but had to go to class and then work and ahahaha. Funness. Then Andrea drove me around so I could get some money matters out of the way. Currently I am dead broke except the $40 I have in my La Capitol bank. My safe is empty and my Chase account hates me. I might actually have to move $10 from my La Cap bank to my Chase bank to keep it from getting overdrafted (again). *sighs*

But yeah. Was in the middle of RPing with Kanmuri when my eyes really started crossing on me. Around 9PM I think it was. So I had to go all "I... am going to go crash" and just... kind of disappeared from the RP and went into sleep mode on IRC. ... without much warning.

D:

But I fell asleep around 10 or 11... and woke up at 9AM. Feel tired still. But not all "Omg let me just go back to sleep I don't want to do anything but sleep lemme alone..."

Mostly because I have a test in Chemistry today (which I totally haven't studied for hurhurhur).

Ah well. This is the day where Jeva plays catch-up with those classes she missed. Orz...

And now I'm off to study a bit and then head to class.

Later all!


EDIT: Btw, if you see itallpannedout commenting to your comments... that's me. On my Azuma account. |D Forgot to warn you guys~
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Y halo thar kind of sick feeling with a side of mucus in the back of my throat. I have not missed you this weekend, so can you kindly go fuck off?

Srsly, I really don't like the fact that I have to deal with this sort of thing all day. It's really getting annoying. I'm not sick. My body obviously thinks I am. It drives me crazy.

In other news, I completely fail at life.

... no reason for that comment.

Moving on.

I need to get my Chemistry book soon. Like... this week or by next Wednesday AT THE LATEST. Especially considering my first test in that class is next Thursday and ahahaha... I can pass only if I can review over the things we learned in class because I fail at keeping my attention for long in Chemistry--except when my prof does fun stuff. Then I can't deviate my attention to something else.

Yeah.

No idea what we'll be doing in Creative Writing today. Ah well. Always fun to find out when I get there.

Lessee, what else?

... I need to clean my room sometime.

Also, I need to poke Andrea about the going around town to get stuff done thing. Which means I need to find that email with those addresses and such...

Blargh.

And now I'll be goofing around until I have to go to class.

Poke me if ya want!


EDIT: Oh, btw. Internet in the dorm is still down, apparently, so am in comp lab. If that explains anything.
.

Well, I'm not sure actually, but I think I'm pretty much done with being a hermit for now. Sorry to make everyone worry and, you know, stuff, but I am feeling much better than I was earlier in the week, that's for sure!

Still, I have that "I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm stuck" mantra running through my head, but you know? I think I'll just try to ignore it until I can actually do something about it. Because right now? Not much I can do. I've got obligations here. School. Work. ... yeah, pretty much only those two but they're important. Education = degree = better chance at getting better paid job (SALARY?!) = more money = more chances to get out = freedom.

And I don't know if I'm throwing all that out because I want to believe it or... well, it's my idea of how things should go anyway.

Besides all of that, though, my apathy is less than it was a few days ago--hell, two nights ago. Which is a relief for me. Those fits of apathy of mine tend to freak me out a bit. Yeah, I know it's a way how I cope with what all's going on around me and whatnot and most of this was just me trying to recover and rebuild myself from what all happened in the Winter, but still... I don't like getting like that. Numbness is a scary thing. You don't feel anything. And that in itself is very frightening for a person like me.

I don't care if I just feel pain, I want to feel something. Numbness... is the scariest thing ever. There's no sensation, no feelings, nothing. Makes me scared to think what I could do during those apathetic fits of mine...

So yeah. I ended up going to Keeny Hall on Thursday after my Creative Writing class and scheduling a session. Tuesday, March 18th at 4PM. Maybe I'll be able to talk it out with counselor-dude and figure out a way to better deal with things than becoming a hermit. Then again, it's probably the best coping method for me. Some time and space for myself where I can relax my act, at least breathe a bit more comfortably behind the masks I wear... not having to perform for others is a huge relief, actually.

Because I do put on an act a lot. I know it's the not the most honest thing to do, but well... sometimes I can't tell if I'm acting or not, if it's any consolation? Getting harder to tell what's the real me and what's the mask...

And that's a completely new can of worms best left shut for a while longer. I mean, I've talked about it before, so you guys can understand.

As for what's been going on IRL...

Last night was kickass. There was a tornado warning and my dormitory was forced to go to the basement. I called up Andrea and asked if Sara and she felt safe enough at home and, if they didn't, they should come on over. And they did. Sara was a bit freaked out because she hadn't thought the weather had been that bad. Andrea... we almost had to drag her scrawny ass into the building because she was staring at the lightning dancing across the sky, going, "O pretty~"

... not that I have room to talk. Me and another girl from the dorm were standing just inside the building, peering through the glass and going, "Oooooo! Aaaaaaa!" at the light show. Ahahaha. I can't help it. That kind of thing... watching the fury of nature at its worse... it's kind of thrilling really. Especially when Andrea's all like, "I wanna chase the tornado!" and I was all, "CAN I COME TOO?!" Sara, our level-headed one of our trio, firmly said no. So Andrea pouted and I got in the car after it was all over and we followed the storm system just far enough to stare at the lightning some more.

We're all sorts of speshial, yes.

In school, I've been pretty good! Having only three classes is a huge relief. French is a literature course and I've actually been doing my homework... somewhat. Creative Writing is just... fun. Jeez, I dunno why they can't offer this course more often. It's fucking wonderful. Course, the professor has this "No Scifi. No Fantasy," rule so... And the first assignment was about unique names of characters and I turned in a fun little snippet that's not canonically part of my story Minskir. Will post that up on motsdejeva later today. The best part? Most of the corrections that he wrote on my paper were typos, grammatical errors, and comma splices (only one of them, surprisingly). Maybe he did that with the other people but considering that I wrote that little scene up 15 minutes before class? Yeah. Made me feel good. Also, he liked the fact that Minskir stood for "minor skirmish" and then later on became also short for "miniskirt." Ahahaha~

Helps with my worn-down self-esteem some, yes.

As for Chemistry...

Chemistry is boring. I dunno why but while I find science interesting to learn and all, having to sit there and do the chemical equations and stuff is just boring. I have no interest in it whatsoever. And yet I love how my professor goes on little anecdotes in order to relate scientific things to us. Like we're talking about waves--light waves and such--and he brings up the microwave oven and then explained exactly how a microwave oven works. Which is kickass. Also, we talked about radio waves and how waves can cancel each other out resulting in dead-air on the radio and such and he went into a spiel about how he almost got put into an international sports magazine but Dale Earnhardt's death completely ruined that because the issue was dedicated entirely to the race car driver.

So yeah. It's been... really good at school. I'm not stressing out over assignments. I'm actually getting things done (even if they're sort of last-minute) and just... yeah.

And I'll get into work in my next post. For now, I think this is enough. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing better now and I'm coming back out of the woodwork and will be posting daily again now. Because I know you guys missed me and all~

... you did, right?

But yeah. Hope you all have been doing well! I've been keeping track of my flist and all during my antisocial bit but yeah... things can happen and you might not talk about them, so here's to hoping you all are doing well also!
.

OMG. JUST GOT DONE WATCHING THE 16 EPISODES OF CODE GEASS THAT HEATHER SENT ME AND OMG! *FLAILS* WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S JUST GETTING TO THE GOOD STUFF. WITH THE GEASS AND MAO--WAAAAH! MAO! AND LELOUTH AND SUZAKU AND ZOMG BLACK KNIGHTS AND WAAAH! *FLAILS MORE*

... *calms self down*

Besides that, Foon/Shiz and I watched at least four or five episodes of Red Garden and wowwy wow wow, Heather. You have us caught on this show because it's all "O: So weird~ ... what happens next? OOOO:!"

And uh...

I passed my History final with an 80. Which means my 70 from my second test will be dropped. Isn't that great? ^____^;;; Now I just have to wait to see what my other grades are. Eeeeeeh... I think I didn't do so hot on my Chemistry final--I REVIEWED OVER EVERYTHING BUT THE EQUATIONS I REALLY NEED! ARGH! SPECIFIC HEAT, MY ASS! ALSO, CURSE THE MOLES! WE DIDN'T HAVE MOLES IN HIGH SCHOOL. WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY COME FROM!

But, I think I did okay on my French final. Dunno if my professor will send out an email or if I have to wait until the final grades are posted on my transcript or whatever. But yeah. O: 25% of my French grade is determined by participation and I HAD PERFECT ATTENDENCE. BOOYAH!

... it's 3:25AM. I'm hyper. Lemme alone. D:

ZOMG. FOR SOME REASON BEING HOME TODAY HASN'T SEEMED SO BAD SO FAR. GUESS WE'LL SEE HOW WELL THE REST OF THE WEEK GOES!

And uh... I'll be watching the other anime Heather sent me now. >.>;;; Because Foon/Shiz said I'm not allowed to watch Red Garden without her. D:

*flails* Waaaaaaaaaaaah... wanna see more of Code Geass D:


EDIT: 4:30AM...

Omg... *dying with laughter* Heather... Nodame Cantabile... *dies, laughing so hard, omg* Perfect anime to send to a music nerd. Just... gah... I love. Not to mention Nodame reminds me of me... except I've gotten better about the cleanliness thing since high school... XDDD;;; I SO need to show this to Foon/Shiz. She'd get a KICK out of it. XDDDD


EDIT 2: 4:46AM...

OMG NODAME IS ME EXCEPT I DON'T PLAY PIANO NOR DO I HAVE A CUTE THOUGH CRANKY GUY I HANG OUT WITH WHO I HAVE A CRUSH ON. *DYING WITH LAUGHTER AT EPISODE 2, YES*


EDIT 3: 4:55AM...

Don't ask me why I'm still awake but zomg, I love that anime so much. They make music seem even more orgasmic XDDDDD
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Oi.

Oiiiiiiiii.

...

Yo. *waves at everyone*

I'm back up at Tech and will remain here for all of 5 days before I head home for 7 days. Why the random 5 days? Finals, baby. Finals. Why do I want to go back home? Masochism, baby. Masochism.

... plus I wanna suggle with my nephew more D: And maybe play more Dark Cloud >.>;;;

BESIDES THAT--!

... I miss spam and happiness. D:

I just realized that I don't have to go to Chemistry tomorrow... coolbeans :D
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I'm sure you're all sick and tired of my woe-is-me moments. Don't worry. At this point, I could care less if anyone cares or not. In fact, I don't know why I'm even typing this except out of habit and it's theraputic in its own way.

So lately. I've been doing stupid shit. First with the essay, then with the fact that even though I've been worrying about my French, I apparently haven't been worrying enough, and now I just got back from Chemistry because my professor wasn't in but we still had to take a quiz on what elements are soluable. Which I completely bombed.

So apparently I haven't been worrying enough about Chemistry either, even though I'm constantly fretting over how I keep zoning out in that class.

I know I'm still not giving 100%. I know this. But do you know how frustrating it is to have been going at maybe 50% percent your whole life and then bumping that up to at least 80% in under two years and still finding that it's not enough? I've had to go through battles of self-confidence, self-esteem, forcing myself to want to care about this sort of things, forcing myself to remember what it's like to dream, forcing myself to do more than I have been doing. And what do I have to show for it? I didn't get that damn solo of mine in band until after the fucking concert. I seem to be going no where in French. I'm staring at Chemistry, wondering why the hell I was able to so easily get by with it at high school only to struggle with it here in college. I'll probably end up with a C on that essay, but that will be my fault because I took longer than I should have to make myself care about it enough.

In other words, I've got nothing to show for it. Except tears of fustration. I came so close to crying in French today, it's not even funny. I only kept myself from crying just so I wouldn't have my professor take me outside and away from the others. As if I was a contageon. As if catching "dead-last" is even possible.

Being the worst student in a group of 7 isn't heartening at all. Even if I'm pulling off B's. The one test I felt confident in, I got an 80 in when the one I felt I did horrible on, I got an 87. And I actually reviewed and studied for the second test and it was laid out easier!

It's obvious there's something wrong with me. Studying helps me but it also destroys my self-esteem for some reason or something. I don't know. Maybe it's the way I'm studying. Maybe my way of doing things was only good up until this point. I don't know, but all everyone's saying is "study more, study more" and I'm going, "There's only so much I can study by myself with a foreign language!" In Spanish this Fall, we had tutor sessions and I made an A in that class. If we have any tutor sessions for French, they take place in a place that would require me having a vehicle to get to.

And my dad said I took to college so well. I should laugh. I really should. Instead, I'm bawling my eyes out, boohooing that I'm failing even though I'm passing my classes. Because it feels like a failure if I haven't made any progress and I feel like all I've been doing this quarter is spinning my wheels and constantly giving myself a headache only to realize that even though I was working hard to make up for all of these faults of mine, I just create more problem myself!

It's like I'm setting myself up for failure and I can see it but still end up going through with it and messing myself up so utterly. Like with the essay this Monday. I saw it coming, I knew I'd end up doing a last minute rush-job and yet I kept telling myself "I'll work on it on Sunday. I'll work on it Sunday."

How is this "taking to college well"? You don't do this kind of shit in college. And yet here I am doing the same thing and not really knowing how to make myself stop doing it. It's like a rock falling from the hill, it's going to keep rolling until it hits bottom or until someone comes by and uses the rock to skip it across a lake or something, I dunno. I don't know. I'm used to working by myself and accepting my own mistakes and whatnot. Look, I mean, I understand and I know and I see that I screwed up with that essay. But understanding, knowing, and seeing it isn't going to keep it from happening again.

I just feel like I'm at the bottom end of the intelligence pool or something. I'm passing my classes but I don't feel like I'm learning anything. I'm getting by through college but I don't feel like I'm going anywhere. I'm feeling so utterly stuck that I'm once again doubting that I'm ever going to go anywhere or do anything. What's the point of realizing I want to have a dream and goal if I feel like I'm not capable enough to achieve it?

And right now I feel like I'm echoing words I've heard for a long time, about how futile things are and what's the point of struggling? What's the difference between the 50% and the 80%? I'm performing the same either way and the 80% just gives me more tears and moments of depression than the 50% did.

So what's the difference?

Even with all of this said here, I'm going to work harder on French and Chemistry and I will do better in Band this next quarter and I will tackle Spanish with gusto and I will make it through this Winter Quarter whether I'm happy with my results or not.

Just... I wish words were enough. They aren't. Actions speak louder than words and people may look at me and go "She's not even trying," but really, I am. Can't people who have known me see that I've been trying harder? Or am I only making myself believe this?

Words apparently aren't enough. They never are. Telling myself I'll do something... having others tell me I'll do something... neither are enough unless I feel like I'll be able to do it. Words as a strength... really isn't anything at all.
.

I think I figured out why I've been so drowsy--besides the fact that I got 6 hours of sleep last night.

The current temperature here in Ruston is 61°F / 16°C. Which is love. Still need a light jacket because there's a cool wind but the sun's been out and there're no clouds and so you've got the warm sun mixing in with the cool air and ah... so nice.

Forecast says that it's supposed to get up to somewhere around 70°F / 21°C today and then tomorrow, it'll drop and will stay cold for another week or so.

But ah... warmer weather. How I've missed you~

In French today, we just watched a video. Got to see the sights of Normandy Beach where there are rows upon rows of white crosses just like there is at the Arlington National Cemetery in D.C. which I was able to see back in April 2002. I have no idea why but out of all the wars in history, WWII has the most impact on me. Seeing graves with those dates makes my skin crawl while I also feel a bout of sadness and maybe perhaps pity.

A lot of lives taken in those years. 1938-1945...

I expect I'll do similar if I see graves from between 2001 and on until this whole mess in the Middle East is over with.

Well... have about an hour or so until I have Chemistry which I have to take a quiz in. Watch me fail it spectacularly. Until then, however, I'm just going to relax and be a bit thoughtful. Wish I could take a nap but we all know that naps just mess up my sleep schedule even more.


EDIT: Adding to share a poem. Actually was written in remembrance of WWI but you can see why I'm posting it here.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

- written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, May 3, 1915
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Okay, so. I decided to check on my grades for this quarter thus far.

Aaaaaaaaaand... drumroll, please~

SO FAR!

Wind Ensemble: 100 - A!
History 201: 93 - A!
English 201: 83 - B!
French 202: 87 - B!
Chemistry 100: NO IDEA!

... or at least that's how I think the grades are. XD Um... see, the thing is that French is mostly participation grade and we've only taken one test, but I got an 87/100 on it sooooooo...

As for English, this is supposing that my professor does what she said when she said that she would drop the lowest test grade (we've taken 3 tests so far and I went from a 65 to an 80 to a 95, wtf) so... that would be awsum, yus. Plus, we're not doing group assignments anymore, so... I'll be more comfortable and confident with my take-home assignments, ftw~

Band, of course, is an easy A as long as you have good attendence and I have perfect attendence~ I so deserve a gold star for that. *sparklesparkle*

And Chemistry...

Chemistry's test grades are weighted, soooooooo...

But I've aced all of my quizzes (20 points each--except I got a 16 on one, I think) and got an 80 on my first test. I dunno what my second test grade is yet so...

So yeah! Priority order of classes is shifting!

#1: French. Dur.
#2: Chemistry 'm concerned about the weighted grade thing...
#3: English BOOYAH, 95 ON AN ESSAY TEST GET!
#4: Band Ahahaha... I so need to work on those parts I'm having trouble with because concert is NEXT SATURDAY~
#5: History ... I'm writing The Longest Night while she's lecturing us, yo.

Aaaaaaaaand. Yeah. I'm in an up and up mood. Since last night, everything's been okay (though the Chemistry test really made me feel stupid, uwaaaaaaaah). Saa~ And tomorrow I have another English test--an essay one. And I need to work on the study guide she gave us on Wednesday... because we have to turn that in tomorrow...

Hm... yeah. I'm good. *thumbs up* How goes it with you guys?


EDIT: Also, the whole bank thing is resolved and I currently have $29.50. Now Imma go and pull out $10 so I can have money for laundry sometime next week and yeah... stuff. The rest of the money is staying put BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING TO OVER-DRAW AGAIN OMG.
.

Because I have those "I'm laughing even though I'm not sure what I'm laughing about" moments quite often.

Anyway...

( What's this? An LJ cut? On Jeva's LJ? NO WAI! O: )

In other news, I had a pretty rough day in band. I did the whole freaking out deal because JRob... uh... singled me out again. Ahahaha... I so fail at playing four sixteenths and then running eighth notes when everyone's quiet except me~

And then after that, he tried to convince me that I had a note I didn't have, and the bassoon player I sit next to was confused, too, so he defended me saying that I only had the first downbeat and then nothing but rests. Haa~ Turns out JRob was looking at the Contra Bass Clarinet score rather than the Bass Clarinet one~

And yeah...

I totally didn't pay attention in Chemistry today~ But I got the notes for everything and now I just have to remember to review for the test on Thursday~

What did I do while spacing out?

Wrote a bit of a future scene for The Longest Night~ ♥

Anyway, yeah. Let's see. Tomorrow's History and English and then... counselor.

...

Ahahaha... do I really have to go? *is nervous but trying to laugh it off~*
.

It's 32° F / 0° C.

It feels like it's 23° F / -5° C.

...

Louisiana is not supposed to be this cold. *pulls blankets over herself but the blankets, they do nothing and the feet are still frozen*

Anyway, yes, I'm still awake. No, I haven't been awake all day. I took a 4 hour nap. Granted, I went to French without sleeping and then in order to take the nap, I had to miss Chemistry, but really, it's not that bad. I'm doing okay in Chemistry so I'm not too worried. I'm just glad Dr. Dolly (my French professor) didn't check homework. Since... I totally didn't do it because I was already freaking out abot my English thing. Which I turned in, btw--probably one of the first people to do so. Ha. Win.

And yes, I realize I'm probably still not that coherent right now, but oh! This is a fun addition to the cold and lack of sleep and hating myself for screwing up that bad with homework stuff! I started my period! And apparently it's going to be one of those heavy-flowing ones, too! Ah ha! I win at life so hard that I fail it, whut.

And yes, I realize that I'm being TMI. But there's like... what? Maybe 5 guys on my f-list? No offense, men (or even you ladies out there who didn't want to know), but I felt like mentioning it since it can probably help you all visualize how pale and sickly I look right now which, in constrast to the bags under my eyes, makes me look like a raccoon.

... oh yeah. I so win.

But yeah. Went to band today too. Since... you know... music is SOOTHING and they kind of PAY me to go to this class so... ahahaha... I nearly fell asleep a few times. Thankfully, he didn't target any of the parts I had to play when fixing stuff and stuff. So... yeah. Fun time in there. I think my favorite part of the class was when JRob was trying to get a sound from the gong and he told them to use a coin to do the job. The percussion looked at each other and huddled into a group, turning out pockets to see if anyone had change. JRob just nodded and went, "Yeah, I'm poor too."

And apparently, on Thursday we have to do this thing where we play music with some high schoolers who wanna come up to Tech or something, I dunno. A French Horn player rose his hand when JRob asked if anyone had any questions and just said, "Yeah, uh... why?" JRob looked kind of thoughtful, going, "You know I don't really know... I was told it had to do with having money fo next year. Oh, and apparently there's this thing that involves money--oh that's right. A job. Yeah, it's my job."

XDDD I love JRob and his many levels of sarcasm XDDD'

And... you know... I will go to bed at a good time tonight. The only reason I'm still awake now is because it's too early still. Guh. I hate my sleeping habits. *huddles more into her blankets, wishing it were summer already*
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You all know how I can be with these sort of things. I'm lazy, I procrastinate, but I always get things done, albeit in a fashion that isn't all that respectable or anything. However, with all the things that's been going on this winter--hell, all this past year--I'm starting to feel ready to get serious.

And I know that it seems like I've said this before, but I haven't really.

Whenever I've said something similar in the past, I was just saying, "I will do it because I have to." Always when I've said this, I've just been saying reasons why I can't fail, why I have to get through all of this mess. I've never really said anything besides "I need to" for a reason.

Well, I've been thinking about things. About goals and such. There's a reason I've never really set myself up with an actual goal to achieve. Right now, I'm in a torrent of confusion and doubt and what ifs. Always, these sort of things have made me hesitant to really try for a goal because whenever I have, I have always come just short of reaching it. After a while, I came to "settle" for whatever result I got, which has led me down this path I'm currently trying to beat down with little to no result to show for the effort--which is hardly any.

This Fall, I did change that a little. I've actually studied for my Spanish class, however, I still slacked off in English and band (not memorizing music when I probably should have).

I think... it's about time to set myself up a goal. No more "as long as I pass, it doesn't matter." That is something a defeatist or someone who's resigned to their fate would say, right?

I can be quite the defeatist. And more often than not, I am resigned to the idea that I will never really be truly adept at the things that I do. However, this doesn't mean I shouldn't keep trying hard to make myself follow the path I've chosen.

To those of you who have spent the last couple of years since you've known me and have tried to show me or tell me this: I'm sorry it's taken me this long to finally understand and accept your words. Because even if it may not seem like it, I have always listened to you... I just have either been too stubborn or too much of a coward to act on them.

So starting tomorrow, I'm going to review my French: practice conjugations, different tenses, sentence structure, and of course, vocabulary.

After that I'll be reading the stories and poems for my British Lit class like I was supposed to have been doing from the start--rather than waiting until the day of the class to read them.

With Chemistry, I just need to remember to go over things more than once right before the test and I should be okay there.

And finally, every Wednesday will be spent with at least an hour's worth of rehearsal time on the many parts of the music I've been having trouble with in band. I need to work on my volume, my tone, and the position my mouth should be with the mouth piece (I got bruises under my lower lip before the Christmas holidays because I was positioned wrong and my lower teeth almost bit through). I'll ask Mr. Gibbs if he can help me at some point or another because the horn I have isn't all that great but mostly it's my fault that it sounds bad. I got into Wind Ensemble for a reason, right? Because Mr. Gibbs thought I was worth having in there and, of course, JRob had to agree with it since he runs that band.

So there you have it. Jeva has a goal. Not one that says, "I will do this because I need to" but "I will do this because I want to do my best!"

And even if she comes short of that goal? Oh well. Try try try again, ne?

Oh, and the goal?

An A in every class.

I may, in reality get a B in English, but I can try damn hard to make up for the grades I've already made!

So.

Wish me luck? With how much I'm out of habit of not half-assing things, I'm going to need it! ^________^;;;



EDIT: ... you know, I should probably make another goal for my writing. Ara... *still hasn't worked on anything for fic_off* Ahahaha...
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So! I totally spazzed last night because ahahaha, I got kytyngurl2, m0ny, and sannask's Christmas cards and ahahaha, Sanna's card made me go wtf which is why I made that phone post XD;;;

Anyway, yeah. Last night, I felt sick (headache and stomach ache ftw) and kind of passed out on Shorty's couch (comfy damn thing). Woke up this morning to the Gnat crying and changed his diaper (I didn't put it on backwards this time! win!). And then, yeah. Hung around with the L's and played Sonic the Hedgehog (ahaha...the old SEGA Genesis games). And then Joseph and Shorty invited me to eat at Logan's and yeah. Wonderful time. I was the single girl at our table (Joseph's sister and her husband came to give gifts to the L's--especially for the Gnat). And yeah. Fullness. 8-ounce steak. Yum.

And now I'm at home and Vivi is adorable. Omg. I think she's just gotten cuter with age and now she's more calm and she hasn't bit me yet (love bites is what she usually does XD;;;). D'awwwwww. Need to huggle her more. ^_______^;;;

So yeah. At home. Wh00t.

And yeah. Will probably have more freak-out omg yey moments throughout the holidays. ^___^;;; You guys are awsum~

Loves and hugs :D!


EDIT: I totally got a 76 on my first Chemistry test. And that's with my messing up the grams to moles conversion! Average score for the class was a 79 but meh...good enough for a first test! I can totally make it up in the next two tests and if I keep acing my quizzes, then I should own this class!

...now if only Mrs. Schuder would post my second test score in English. *siiigh*
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Okay so like. Thing is that I went and took my Chemistry quiz. And totally kicked ass.

Except of that Ga element. Screw Ga, I say!

But yeah, I sat there for like 5 minutes, trying to remember what Cs was, going down the first group, knowing I knew it but not. And then I just shrugged and put "Cesium" and wouldn't you know that that was the right answer? Ha. This is without studying, folks!

And then I left Chemistry and yeah had fun until band.

...band is the reason why I am wearing my "I'm too sexy for you"!Roy icon. Because yeah...

I totally failed.

JRob had me play this solo of mine in Festivo--only like two bars of music long, really but still VERY OMG IMPORTANT WRRRRY--and yeah. I ended up playing it about 5 times by myself and messing up ALL five times. And then later on he was like "Oh, bassoon! Let me pick on you some!" and the bassoon player got it on the first try and waaaaaaaaaaah. ;_;

But besides that, we played a totally fun song which I actually pwn'd awsumly. And then we played Songs Without Words and failed so horribly bad and yeah.

So this icon is for me to totally feel great and awsum because despite the fact that I kept messing up that solo, the first-chair clarinet player named Richard helped me out and yeah--I CAN TOTALLY READ 7/8-TIME MUSIC IN RHYTHM WITHOUT MAKING THE STRAIGHT EIGHTH NOTES INTO TRIPLETS! NO RLY! AND I TOTALLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE FOUR SIXTEENTH NOTES THAT COME BEFORE THE EIGHTHS! SRSLY! WITHOUT HELP!

...I so fail.

Which is why I have my icon to make me feel better because I totally am too sexy for this post~ Too sexy for this post~ So sexy it huuuuuuuurts~

...okay. No. Seriously.

*headdesks* I think I need to take an aspirin tonight before I go to bed. My head huuuuurts...;__;
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Okay so. First of all:

My headphones are dying already.

...no idea why. Ah well...I guess I'm going to the bookstore today and using some of the $30 that I have left on my Tech Express (money that can only be used on Tech campus) to get me a new pair. Because if I can't have my music I will go nuts.

In other news, I totally fail at French but that's okay because I can totally make it through this class...until I'm able to get my book. Which probably won't be until after New Year's. >.>;;;

Until then, I just want to say that I have no clue what the following words mean (because I fail at having a French-English Dictionary) and I will be looking them up and translating them. If you know French, feel free to help out.

( List of vocab Jeva fails at knowing )

Besides that...hm...quiz today in Chemistry. Oooh. So hard. Not.

Oh, and! Jeva's been writing fics again--yey~ Except, you know...she totally fails at writing fics on paper. No srsly. Compare and contrast needs to be done on fics I've written on the computer and on paper. The ones on the computer tend to be...eh...better >.>;;;

But yeah. I'm so keeping my hold on Kaito for 30_deathfics >D I've got about two challenges half-way done...or at least partly done. And I need to totally work on that fourth vampire fic...*totally fails, whut*

But yeah...uh. That'll come sooner or later. *sighs*

And uh...yeah. >.>;;;

...dud I mention that I only got less than 6 hours again last night?
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Why am I in this sort of mood again? I was in it last night and now I'm in it again. Is it because of my lack of sleep? I couldn't really help that last night! I tried and tried to sleep and nothing would work because it was so freakin' hot and humid in my dorm for some weird reason.

Or is it because I'm already stressing about my classes which I've only been to a grand total of ONCE each? I mean, I've had 11 hours of classes before. And it wasn't so bad. But this is 12 hours and all of them are hard classes where you have to do your work or else you flunk out. Yes, even band.

...god, I don't want to get into the band thing. Just...today was our first day and I was nervous because I've never been in Wind Ensemble and it turned out that Terrence (you know, the first chair person to my second chair?) decided to place himself in Symphonic Band because his cheerleading conflicted with it or something--I have no idea. All I know is that now I'm alone and whenever a bass clarinet comes in at a certain part--it's a SOLO for me. EVERY time.

And I hate how when we were playing Festivo, EVERYONE seemed to be nailing their solos and whatnot even though we were just sightreading and then Richard's there playing his clarinet solo and then--oh? Where's the bass clarinet? JRob basically went back over that part three or four times and EVERY TIME, I missed it. EVERY TIME.

And the worst thing is that I was in a happy mood before and during Chemistry. My professor wasn't there but another science professor filled in for an hour before dismissing us. And he was funny and lively. I wish I had him instead. He made relearning the Periodic Table fun and interesting and not to mention the fact that he's about as bad at keeping his phone on silent as most kids in the class are.

But I dunno...then again, it was warmer during those times.

Would you believe it was 70+ degrees yesterday and today and then at 3PM, a front moved in and suddenly it was like 50 degrees? And now it's gone and rained on us so now it's 45 degrees and they're saying it could get down to the 20s tonight and there's more rain coming tonight because the sky's red and...just yeah.

...

I just want to burst into tears right now and I don't know why.

And tomorrow is History and English again, isn't it? And after English, I have to talk with Bonnie about the presentation and just...

I want to take a bath. A hot, hot bath. With lots of steam. Where I can soak and just...boil myself alive for a time. Maybe then I'd feel warmer. Maybe then I'd relax enough so I'd be at more ease when I go to sleep. Maybe then my shoulders will stop being sore.

But we only have showers here.

...I might try for a hot shower later tonight.

Would you believe I've fogged up the entire restroom several times this year by taking a hot, hot shower already?

Yeah...that sounds like what I should do.

But for now...doing nothing and not worry about having to read Beowulf or that King Arthur project until I get back to my dorm. *slouches in computer lab chair*



EDIT: Anyone have some My Chemical Romance? Preferrably songs from their second album--because they're the ones I'm more familiar with.
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Just got done with my French class.

Oh yes. So fun.

There's about 6 people in my class.

And I totally have no idea what's going on.

Because my teacher told us all what was going on in French and I really really really need to review over vocab and grammar and stuff because I only caught about 3/4 of what she said but that 3/4 was just the inane things she was talking about and...

Yeah.

*headdesks*

Did I mention that I have two oral exams in this class? Yeeeeeah.

One of them's a presentation.

But it's at the end of the quarter.

Unlike my English presentation which is next Friday.

And I still need to read Beowulf but now I have French homework, too.

...

I really really really hope that Chemistry (which starts at 2PM) doesn't assign homework out of the book because I just don't have the book and it might be $130 to GET the book.

I shouldn't have gotten 12 hours--especially in these classes...

What's worse? I only got 5 hours of sleep last night. Because I couldn't sleep.

And no, ehrenyu, I don't blame you or your phone call. I actually liked our incoherent conversation. And I could have gotten back to sleep except that it was so humid last night that I was sweaty and sticky and guuuh...not to mention the things racing through my mind...

So I'm tired. I am getting myself ready to run around in circles, screaming my head off with stress. And just...

...

*goes and crawls into a hole and just...doesn't move, curled up*



EDIT: *face-palms and pinches bridge of nose* Look, Bonnie...I know that you want help with this whole thing with the King Arthur presentation, but you were made team leader. Don't try to make me the co-team leader. I don't want that sorrt of responsibility. I don't want to have to deal with that sort of issue. I can't deal with that sort of thing. Maybe it's the same thing you're thinking but you're picking the wrong person to help you. As you probably noticed from your conversation with me on the phone, I have only a small inkling of what the hell I'm going to be doing for my part of the presentation. What makes you think that I have any idea about what we should do for the rest of it?

Just...there's four other people to pick from besides me. Why can't you ask one of them?

*sighs*
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